


Good Will Hunting

by Northwind_ashland



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Absent John Winchester, Abusive John Winchester, Alcoholic Castiel (Supernatural), Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Professors, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bad Parent John Winchester, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Castiel Has Feelings for Dean Winchester, Castiel Has a Crush on Dean Winchester, Castiel and Dean Winchester First Meet, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Castiel/Dean Winchester-centric, Closeted Dean Winchester, Dead John Winchester, Dead John Winchester and Mary Winchester, Dead Mary Winchester, Dean Winchester Comes Out, Dean Winchester Has ADHD, Dean Winchester Has Anger Issues, Dean Winchester Has Mental Health Issues, Dean Winchester Has Nightmares, Dean Winchester Has PTSD, Dean Winchester Has Self-Esteem Issues, Dean Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, Dean Winchester Has Trust Issues, Dean Winchester Has a Crush on Castiel, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Dean Winchester is Good With Children, Dean Winchester is Not Heterosexual, Dean Winchester is Protective of Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester is Sam Winchester's Parent, Dean Winchester-centric, DeanCas - Freeform, Depressed Dean Winchester, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, Drug Addict Dean Winchester, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Gay Castiel (Supernatural), Genius Dean Winchester, Homophobic John Winchester, Human Castiel (Supernatural), Human Crowley (Supernatural), Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Sexual Harassment, John Winchester Being an Asshole, Lawyer Sam Winchester, M/M, Mechanic Bobby Singer, Mechanic Dean Winchester, Mental Health Issues, Openly Gay Castiel (Supernatural), POV Castiel (Supernatural), POV Dean Winchester, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Drug Addiction, Professor Castiel (Supernatural), Protective Dean Winchester, Repressed Bisexual Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Smart Dean Winchester, Sober Dean Winchester, Young Dean Winchester, alistair (supernatural) - Freeform, dean winchester dissociates, lawyer eileen leahy, supernatural without the supernatural
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:15:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 25,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29035302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Northwind_ashland/pseuds/Northwind_ashland
Summary: Dean took Sammy and ran away from their abusive dad. Dean's worked as a mechanic his entire life in order to support Sam's dream of becoming a lawyer. Then someone catches Dean doing advanced math and wants to know more about Dean's life and who he is.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy & Sam Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 122
Kudos: 220





	1. First meeting

**Author's Note:**

> There are no triggering topics in this chapter. I will update tags and put warnings when triggering topics come up.

Dean tapped his hands on his legs to the Led Zeppelin song stuck in his head. He was waiting for Sam to finish talking with his math professor. As smart as Sam was, he was almost failing and needed to do some extra credit.

 _Don't know what math's got to do with being a lawyer_ , Dean thought. His eyes wandered around the hallway, but they always made their way back to the whiteboard in front of him. There was a challenge problem on it and a set of markers daring someone to come solve it. Eventually, Dean couldn't pull his eyes away. He crunched some numbers in his head, doing the best he could without writing anything down. Finally, his interest was too much. He stood up and started solving the equation. After a couple of minutes he had it all solved out including a small proof. He stepped back and smiled to himself.

"What are you doing?" A low gravelly voice said from his left.

Dean put the marked back and laughed nervously, "sorry I-"

"You can't graffiti here, that's someone's work."

"Whatever man," Dean said turning to his right and walking away.

"Don't walk away from me."

"Go fuck yourself," Dean turned a corner and quickly exited the building.

 _Singer's Auto_ , Castiel reminded himself. That was the company on the back of the man's jean jacket. That's who he would go complain to once he saw what ridiculous thing this man wrote on the board.

He turned towards the whiteboard and tilted his head. The man had solved it and given the proofs. He would have to double-check his answer sheet to make sure, but everything looked correct to him.

The door to Professor Haden's office opened and Cas turned towards the sound.

"Hi professor Novak," the boy said.

"Sam," Cas nodded.

Assuming his brother was now waiting for him outside the building Sam left quickly. He was right when he saw the impala already running right in the front. He hopped in the passenger seat and greeted his brother.

"How'd things go with the math professor?"

"Bad, I mean, he said he'd consider doing something for extra credit, but didn't tell me what it was or when I could do it. So not looking too good."

"That's tough man. But hey it's just one class. You manage to get by with a D, you're that much closer to becoming a lawyer."

Sam smiled as they drive off to go get dinner and some beers. 

Curiosity got the best of Cas and he looked up Singer's auto. It was a local auto shop. He looked up the hours and also found a picture of the mystery man. His arms were around an old grump. Unlike today he could really see the man's face. His defining jawline. His full lips. His eyes. _Breathe Cas_. Damn those green eyes. Dean. The photo caption said his name was Dean. He was a mechanic at Bobby Singer's auto shop. This was Sam Winchester's brother. Cas decided to go to the shop the next morning.

Cas parked his car and went inside. There was no one in the small waiting room so he decided to make his way into the garage. He saw the old man, Bobby Singer, working in the open hood of a car.

"Hello," Cas said.

The man turned in surprise, "hello, so what can I do for you?"

"I'm looking for Dean Winchester."

"Today's his day off, but I can take a look at your car for you."

"No thank you my car's fine. I just wanted to talk to him."

"He's not in trouble, is he?"

"No. I just," Cas paused not knowing what exactly he wanted to talk to Dean about, "I just want to talk to him. That's all."

"Well he's not at work but I can tell you where he is."

"Really?!" Cas was shocked at his own excitement.

The old man gave him a small smile. "He's in the junkyard a few miles away." He gave Cas the address and sent him on his way.

Cas pulled up to a big stack of crushed cars. There were many more like it all around. From what he could see on the outside, there was a pocket of space in the middle, almost like a circle. That's where Dean must be.

He wandered towards the middle and saw Dean underneath an old car. He's on his back on a creeper seat. There was a radio nearby that was blasting classic rock. Apparently not that loud, because Dean heard someone approach him.

"I told you it was my day off Bobby," Dean said continuing to tighten something under the car.

"Um, I'm not Bobby," Cas replied. The cranking stopped. After a moment Dean rolled himself out from under the car. When he saw who it was he rolled his eyes and sat up.

"What do you want?"

"Actually I want to apologize. When I saw you writing on the whiteboard I assumed the worst and that was wrong of me. I'm sorry."

"Whatever it's fine. How'd you find me?"

"I saw 'Singer's auto' on the back of your jacket yesterday. Then today I went to the garage and Bobby told me you'd be here."

"Huh," Dean stood up and walked over to a small table. There was a half-drunk beer on the table which he picked up and took a swig. When he was done he spoke again, "you went through all that trouble just to apologize?"

"Well," Cas was just standing there awkwardly, "I was... curious. That was an extremely difficult problem and you solved it in only a couple of minutes. I guess I just want to know more about you, where'd you go to school?"

Dean scoffed, "Lawence public high school."

Cas squinted his eyes, "You never went to college?"

Dean leaned back on the table, "Barely made it through high school, man."

"Castiel Novak."

"Yeah well sorry, you came all this way for nothing Cas."

 _Cas_ , Dean had given him a nickname. Cas smiled then realized the silence had gone on too long. Dean was looking at him expectantly. 

"What are you working on?" Cas asks eventually.

"This," Dean walked over to the car and slapped the roof, "is a 1961 Jaguar XK-E. I'm refurbishing her for a client."

"A client? I thought you worked at Singer's auto."

"Yeah I do, I just do this in my spare time."

"You work at a garage fixing cars, and in your spare time you work in a junkyard, fixing cars."

Dean shrugged, "I like cars. The way you put them together just makes sense to me."

"Like topology and differential equations."

Dean shook his head and smile, "look man, just forget about it ok? I won't do it again."

"But I want you to do it again," Cas took a step forward, "Dean your mind is extraordinary. It can comprehend extremely complex concepts and then apply the correct algorithms to solve them. That's something that most college kids struggle to do. Your mind is a gift, you shouldn't waste it."

"Waste it? What being a mechanic ain't fancy enough for you?"

"That's not what I meant."

"No that's exactly what you meant. You know a car is essential to everyone's lives, and I fix them, I save people's lives. What do you do, huh? Teach math to stuck up pricks who'll probably never use any of the crap you teach them."

"Dean please I-"

"Stop! I don't wanna hear it ok? So leave, now." Dean laid back on the creeper seat and scooted himself under the car. Cutting off the conversation for good.

Cas sighed and left.


	2. Problem 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean helps Sam with some hw and thinks about what Cas said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are no triggering topics in this chapter. I will update tags and put warnings when triggering topics come up.

A week goes by and Cas hasn't seen Dean since, but he has not stopped thinking about him. He wished he could've gotten to know Dean more, but then he let that stupid comment slip. He didn't mean to be insulting by his blunt nature, but Dean never gave him a chance. Cas can't blame him, he only wished there was something he could do about it. Cas sighed. Right now he was grading math quizzes. He liked teaching, but grading was a different story. It could be very monotonous at times. Then he came across an interesting test from a girl named Charlie. She had gotten the right answer, but he'd never before seen the method she used. Cas is pretty sure that this was still a valid way to get the solution, but he wanted to double-check with Professor Haden. His office was just down the hall. He picked up the test and headed over. 

When he was a couple of feet away, professor Haden's door opened. Out stepped an extremely frustrated Sam Winchester.

"Sam?" Cas asked, "what's wrong?"

Sam sighed, "Nothing Professor I-" he stopped when he saw the look on Cas's face. It was kind, but it would not accept a lie. "I'm not doing too good in analytical geometry, and Professor Haden isn't really helping me get my grade back up."

"Can't you ask your brother for help?"

"Dean? I mean, I don't know if he could."

Cas gave a small smile, "you'd be surprised."

Sam nodded and started walking away.

"Oh and Sam," Cas called, causing Sam to turn around, "please tell Dean I'm sorry."

Sam nodded, now more confused than ever. Cas entered Professor Haden's office as Sam left the building. Dean had texted Sam that someone called with car trouble and he wouldn't be able to pick him up that day. Sam didn't mind, their apartment was close to the school anyways. When he got home he dropped on the couch and turned the tv on. He needed a break from math. His phone beeped, it was a message from Dean.

_All finished. Want me to pick up something for dinner?_

_We still have all those leftovers we need to eat._

_True. I'll grab some beers. Be home soon_

_OK_

When Sam put his phone down he remembered what Professor Novak had said. First, how did he even know about Dean? I mean yeah Sam had mentioned him, but he also asked Sam to apologize for him. He definitely needed to confront Dean about this. 

"I made a stirfry from last night's Chinese and some of that chicken," Sam called from the kitchen once he heard the door open. As promised, Dean brought a 6-pack and some blueberry pie.

"Perfect," he smiled placing his groceries on the table, "let me get cleaned up."

Dean was still wearing his dirty work clothes but quickly changed into some random shirt and pants while Sam made Dean and himself a plate.

They sat down and began eating.

"So what was this house call? Everything all right."

Dean smiled, "yeah actually the girl was super funny. So she popped a tire and she fixed it up herself correctly but then her battery dies. I just gave her a quick jump and was on my way. She was super nice though, her name is Charlie, we even exchanged numbers."

"Oh," Sam raised his eyebrows.

"Woah wait, not like that ok. She's more like a sister. Besides she's like your age and gay."

"Well, congrats Dean you made your first friend."

"Shut up, anyways how was your day?"

"Haden is still being a dick. If I do bad on one more quiz I'm done for."

"Stop going to him for help then. You liked your math professor from last year, why not go to him."

"Professor Novak?"

"Yeah, I'm sure he'd help you."

"Actually Dean," Sam laughed at how awkward it sounded, "he told me to go to you for help and to tell you that he's sorry."

Dean looked down at his plate while chewing his food. When he finally swallowed he looked up at Sam, "Why?"

"I don't know. Honestly, I didn't know you guys ever met before. What happened between you too."

"Nothing."

"Doesn't sound like nothing."

"Fine, I mean, I've only seen him once or twice. Last time I was waiting outside Haden's office for you and he thought I was homeless or something. He yelled at me and I cursed at him and left."

"Then how'd he find out who you were?"

Dean paused, "he saw you get in my car, I guess."

"Come on Dean, don't lie."

"I'm not."

"Then why'd you pause like that?"

"Can't a man take a moment to chew his food?"

"Fine, what about the math then?"

"It's 'cause I'm the oldest, and therefore superior."

Sam rolled his eyes, "He probably just assumed you went to college."

Dean half-laughed, half-grunted.

The subject changed and they continued talking and eating dinner. When they're done, Sam sprawled out his homework on the kitchen table while Dean washed the dishes.

After minutes of intense pencil scribbling and calculator clicking, Sam let out a frustrated, "damn it." He put his pencil down and rubbed his face in his hands.

"Come on can't be that bad," Dean smiled as he dried his hands.

"Dean I've been working on this same problem for like 10 minutes and I can't even do part a."

"Well let me take a look."

"Thanks, Dean, but I'm good."

"You just said you're struggling."

"Exactly, I'm struggling and, no offense Dean, you barely made it through high school. If I can't do it, what makes you think you can?"

Dean pursed his lips, "well Professor Haden can't help you, and staring at the problem for another 10 minutes won't magically make you understand so why not let me take a crack at it?"

"Fine whatever," Sam turned the textbox towards Dean, "it's problem number 6."

Dean read the problem. Tilted his head up like he was thinking for a moment, then turned the book back towards Sam. 

Sam nodded, thinking Dean was admitting defeat, "that's what I thought."

"You draw an auxiliary line in the second trapezoid, then you have two congruent 3, 4, 5 triangles. That gives you part a."

Sam gapped at his brother. He quickly took the book and read the problem. He looked up at Dean, then at the problem again.

"Dude," Sam laughed, "you're right! That works!"

Dean smiled and shrugged.

"How did you do that Dean?"

"Well, you know, it's just shapes. And you can put them together and take them apart, just like cars."

"Heh, yeah. Thanks, Dean."

"Don't mention it. I'll be in the other room. Holler if you need more help."

"Yup."

Dean walked into the living room, beer in hand, and relaxed onto the couch. He turned on the football game, but he couldn't distract himself. _Why'd that idiot tell Sam? Did he really want to apologize? He didn't know Castiel, but what he said really hurt._ Dean thought back to what Cas said. That he was wasting his life. _Heard that one a million times_. It felt different coming from a complete stranger. Dean couldn't tell if it was better or worse than his father. Nah his father was definitely worse.

"I finished number 6!" Sam called giddily from the kitchen.

"Nice job, buddy!" Dean yelled back. He took a swing of his beer. Nah, he wasn't wasting his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little tease about the boys' past, Dean's trauma, John's dickness. I'm not sure when a scene will come up about their past. Comment if you want more of Dean's trauma or if you want more Deancas. I'm making this story up as I go so I will definitely take reader's input. Thanks for reading! Comments make me smile for the whole day!


	3. the truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas tells Sam the truth and they talk about the Winchester's past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: breaking sobriety, just smoking, nothing major. I will update tags and put warnings when triggering topics come up

It's been a couple of days since Dean first started helping Sam with his homework. He had no idea how Dean knew all about analytical geometry, but he wasn't going to question it. Maybe Dean did just understand the shapes of it all. That's how he always tried to explain his obsession with cars. When Sam got stuck on a problem, he would ask Dean for help. Dean would take less than a minute until he completely understood. And Dean could explain it all to Sam, way more clearly than Professor Haden ever could. Slowly, he was starting to do better in class. The one problem he had was with Professor Novak, how did he know Dean could do this math?

Sam decided he had to ask. He reserved one of Professor Novak's office hours for that night. When his time slot came, he knocked on the door.

"Come in."

Sam opened the door and smiled.

"Hello Sam, I was surprised to see your name on the server. Is everything alright?" Cas motioned for Sam to sit in the chair on the other side of his desk.

Sam sat down, "Yeah actually, things are getting better. I got my analytical geometry grade up, but it wasn't Professor Haden who helped me. It was Dean."

"Well I'm glad to hear that, but I'm not exactly sure what you're here for."

"Well I told Dean what you said, but he was acting weird."

Cas felt his heart beat faster, "what do you mean?"

"Well I asked him what you were apologizing for, and he said you thought he was a homeless person, and you told him to get out of the building. But I know you would never treat a homeless person like that and then I asked him how you knew he could help me with math and he just shrugged. I don't know, he didn't want to talk about it."

Cas didn't know what to make of that. He squinted his eyes, "that's not what happened."

Sam sat up in his seat, "so what really happened professor?"

"Well you know I have a challenge problem that I put on the whiteboard."

"Yeah, whoever solves it first gets extra points on the final."

"I assume now he was waiting for you on the bench right across from the board. I was going to Professor Haden's office when I saw him writing on the board. He was wearing his mechanic clothes, so I assumed he was graffitiing. I told him to stop, he told me to fuck off and he left the building. When I looked at the board, Dean had solved it. Proof and everything."

"He solved it?!" Sam gasped.

Cas nodded.

"How did he- I mean, helping me with a problem or two is one thing, but solving the extra credit problem, in what a couple minutes. That's insane. I never knew, I feel so bad, I mean I laughed at Dean when he tried to help but he's- he's a genius."

"Yes, your brother's mind is quite unique. I was curious, and I felt bad for judging him so harshly. So I went to Singer's auto the next day. He wasn't there but an old man-"

"Bobby."

"Yes I assume, he was there and he told me that Dean was in the junkyard. I went and tried to talk to Dean. We talked and he told me he never went to college and, I still can't believe I said this, but I told Dean I wanted him to do more math and that if he didn't, he would be wasting his head."

Sam bit his lip, "yeah that's not good. Dean has a... let's just say complicated past with that phrase."

"I tried apologizing but he would have none of it. So I left. I never meant for it to come out that way. I like your brother," Cas sat up a little, "I mean, I want to get to know him more. At least explore his mind and see the way he can process these complex problems." Cas willed himself to calm down, Sam didn't seem to suspect anything. _Suspect what?_ Cas asked himself. He didn't have time to answer because Sam started talking.

"I believe you Professor, and I agree. I mean Dean's never really been into academics. When we in high school," Sam sighed, "I mean I told you how our dad sucked."

Cas nodded, allowing Sam to continue.

"But I've never told you that Dean actually took custody of me. He got a job and was working throughout high school. Dean wanted to drop out so he could get a full-time job sooner, but our social worker, Ellen, said the courts would be more in our favor if Dean graduated. So he stayed. He went to school then right to work, so he never had time for homework."

"Wow, Sam. That's a lot to handle."

"Yes, and I love my brother and everything he did for me, but I just never. I don't know, I never thought he was smart enough or cared enough to go to college, but," Sam shook his head.

"Now that you know he could've gone to college, you're afraid you robbed him of the opportunity."

Sam just nodded. It was silent for a moment while Cas tried to figure out what to say.

"Sam, your brother loves you and would give up anything for you. But he also loves cars, he loves being a mechanic, I don't think you robbed him of anything."

Sam nodded and gave a small smile, "yeah, thanks professor."

"Unfortunately, I do have other appointments tonight."

"Yes, of course," Sam stood up and opened the door.

"Sam, if you ever need anything, or just want to talk, you can always come here."

"Yeah, thanks. Good night Professor."

Cas nodded and Sam left. Dean had gone out to a bar so Sam had taken the car. He drove back to their apartment. As Sam pulled into the driveway, he knew something was wrong. Dean was sitting out on the porch, smoking. He parked the car and got out.

"What the hell Dean, you were two months sober."

"Come on Sam, cigs don't count," Dean forced a smile on his face. Sam was standing in front of him, arms crossed.

"Yeah, they do Dean."

"Whatever, who cares?" the smile dropped from his face as he took another puff.

"I care, Dean, and I know you do too." Confusion was quickly added to Sam's anger when he noticed dry blood under Dean's nose and on his knuckles.

"Dean, what happened? Did you get in another fight?"

Dean shook his head, "I don't want to talk about it."

Sam's anger disappeared when he saw his brother's hands were still shaking. He stuck out his hand, "fine but hand the rest over."

Dean glared at Sam for a moment the dropped his gaze and handed the rest of the box over to Sam. He hated when he acted like this. How Sam had to take care of him. 

Sam pocketed the cigarette box and sat down next to Dean. Something had happened to him to make him act this way, but he knew his brother wouldn't talk about it. Sam needed to get Dean to think about something else, at least until he finished smoking, then they would have to talk about it.

"You know I talked to Professor Novak tonight."

"Yeah?"

"He told me what really happened."

Dean just nodded and took another puff.

"He's a really great guy. He didn't mean the wasting your life comment, he just knows you're wicked smart and wanted to know why'd you never went to college. I need to ask Dean, did you want to go to college, to get a degree, maybe be an engineer or something."

Dean looked at Sam curiously, "what makes you ask that?"

"Well now that I know you were smart enough to go to college, I don't know. Did you pass on your chance to go to college because of me?" Sam looked up at Dean with a pained look in his eyes.

Dean smiled at his little brother, "no Sammy, I never wanted to go to college and I don't regret taking care of you."

Sam sighed with relief, "yeah still, thanks for giving up so much for me."

Dean nodded and blew out a smoke ring.

"Let me repay the favor, Dean. Tell me what's wrong, and don't say nothing because your hands are shaking even as you smoke."

Dean looked down at his shaking hands and closed his eyes.

"I was leaving the bar...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I'm a bitch with this cliffhanger but I've actually planned out the story a bit now. Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes I literally wrote this in a day. You guys have been too kind to me and you've inspired me to write this much. I do have school so I probably won't update until next weekend. But you guys really are the best, I love you all. Thanks for reading, commenting, and leaving kudos!


	4. Dean's night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened to Dean. This is Dean's perspective, not what Dean is telling Sam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: attempted sexual assault, doesn't go more than a kiss, foul language relating to sexual assault  
> TW: escaping into drugs  
> I will update tags and put warnings when triggering topics come up

"How are you out of Maker's Mark? It's not even 11 yet!"

"Sorry Dean," Benny, the bartender at Dean's favorite bar replied, "there was a mix up, we thought we ordered more but we didn't. We have some coming in noon tomorrow."

"Well, Benny I'm taking my business elsewhere."

"Don't be like that brother, come on."

Dean walked backward away from the bar, "I promised myself I wouldn't get drunk off your cheap tequila, sorry man."

"Well, I better see you back here tomorrow!"

"You know it," Dean finger gunned and turned around. He left the bar, Purgatory was the name, and flipped the collar of his leather jacket up. It wasn't that cold out but there was a strong wind. He shoved his hands in his pockets as he rounded the street corner. Then he heard a scream from a nearby ally. His head darted up and he started running. He got to the end of the alleyway and saw a big drunk man pinning a crying woman against the wall, trying to get her undressed.

"Quit screaming," he told her. Dean saw red as he rushed it. He slammed his fist against the man. Dean was shorter than him, but he caught the man off the guard. The man lost his balance and released his hold on the woman. She fell to the ground.

"Go! Run!" Dean yelled. The woman struggled to get up, she had a hurt ankle.

"You're gonna regret that man," he turned to Dean and threw a punch that Dean ducked under.

"Run! Call 911!"

The woman finally got up and started running. Dean and the man were locked in a fight. Both only getting a couple of punches in. Dean dodged a punch then kicked the man in the balls. The man doubled over and Dean took a few steps back. He was just trying to keep the asshole here until the police arrived. He assumed the man would be down for a few. It was a mistake letting his guard down. The man lunged at Dean punching him right in the nose. Dean stumbled back. His eyes were watering and he couldn't see. The man probably broke his nose. The man pushed Dean against the wall as he struggled to blink away the tears. The man had a tight grip on Dean's wrists as he leaned in for a kiss. Dean tried to lean away from it but the man kissed his lips, cheeks, neck, anything on Dean's face. He tried to fight it but the man was stronger than him. When he finally pulled away he had a sinister smile on his face.

"Thick lips, long eyelashes. You'll do just fine."

"Let go of me."

"Just as fuckable as that whore."

"Don't you mother fucker I'll end you!"

He laughed, "you won't have a chance," and leaned in again.

"Freeze! Police!"

The man held on to Dean but looked out from the ally. Sure enough, there were four police officers there with their guns out. Dean took the man's distraction as an opportunity. Dean's mind was frozen, but his body wasn't. He kneed the guy in the gut and shoved him to the ground. He leaned over the guy and started punching him in the face, repeatedly. In the back of his mind, he heard the officers yelling, but he kept going. He didn't fight when he felt two people pull him off. The rapist's face was bloody and he deserved it. He smiled as the man was handcuffed and put in the back of the first police car. He saw the police officer's mouth moving but he couldn't hear anything over the ringing in his ears. The police walked him over to the car and put him in the back. He wasn't handcuffed but he didn't fight. The ringing finally subsided when they pulled into the police station. They escorted him to an interrogation room where they left him alone with just one officer that was on the scene with him.

"Sit down," she told him.

Dean obliged, "so why am I here?"

"We want to take your statement of what happened," she sat down across from him.

"Uhhh," Dean looked down at his bloody knuckles. _What did just happen?_

"It's ok, take your time," she stood up and walked over to the bubbler in the corner of the room. She grabbed a wad of paper towels and got a few wet. She brought them back to the table and offered them to Dean.

"Thanks, " Dean took them and cleaned off his knuckles and nose as best he could but the bleeding didn't fully stop.

"What's your name?" She asked.

"Dean."

"Well, Dean, anything you give us can help put that ass in jail."

"Is the girl alright?"

"She is, she's here too. She wants to thank you, but we need you to tell us what happened first."

Dean rubbed his face, "can't you just use what she told you?"

"Well, we only have half the story."

Dean closed his eyes and wrung his hands together, "well I left the bar and I heard screaming, I ran and saw the man pinning the girl against the wall. Nothing had happened yet but he was trying to take her clothes off. Then I punched him and she ran off."

"And then?"

Dean opened his eyes and stared at the cop. _She would believe him right? I mean she saw the guy- she saw- well she saw the end. You have to talk if you want this dick in jail_.

"Then we fought a little, kneed him in the nuts, he bent over, I backed away, he clocked my nose, I couldn't see, he pushed me against the wall and, and he," Dean painfully forced himself to swallow, "then he kissed me. All across my face."

The woman nodded solemnly, she did believe him, and she didn't judge him.

"Did he say anything to you?"

Dean bit his lip and nodded.

"Can you tell me?"

Dean tasted blood as he bit his lip open. He took a deep breath, "he said 'thick lips, long eyelashes. You'll do just fine.' then he laughed and that's when you showed up." He couldn't make himself repeat the other comment.

"Thank you Dean."

"You're not gonna arrest me for attacking the guy after?"

"No point, any good lawyer could get you acquitted for self-defense. Besides he was an ass."

Dean nodded, but his hands were still shaking.

"You want to go see Catherine now? That's the girl you save."

Dean smiled, "yeah I'll like that."

The cop gestured for Dean to follow her and she lead him to another room where Catherine was sitting. When she heard the door open, she stood up.

"Catherine this is Dean, I'll give you a moment," the cop said then left.

"Can I hug you?" Catherine asked with tears in her eyes.

"Of course," Dean opened his arms and the young girl rushed into them. She looked around Sam's age, definitely still in college. Dean could never imagine something like this happening to Sam. Dean felt tears come to his eyes. He's rubbing her back and she started to cry harder.

"Hey hey it's ok, it's over now," Dean whispered.

She looked up at him, "thank you Dean, you saved my life."

He smiled at her and spoke softly, "of course."

She pulled away from the hug and wiped her eyes. Then she saw Dean's bloody nose.

"Are you ok? Oh my god did he-"

"No," Dean said instantly, then he looked in her eyes and realized he couldn't lie to her, she would understand. "We fought, he pushed me against the wall, there was one kiss but the police showed up right after."

She nodded, almost crying. Then they hugged again.

"Let's go home," Catherine said, "I don't know you, Dean, but if you need anything, ever, just text me." They exchanged numbers as the police officer came back in.

It was the same officer from before, "You both can go, we've got all we need for now. We'll be in touch." 

"Stay safe out there Catherine, if you ever feel like a creep is following you, you call me got it. I'll be right there."

She smiled, "goodbye Dean."

Dean left the station and shivered. He didn't really know where he was going, but he started walking. It was colder out now and he didn't have any alcohol to warm him up. He didn't feel like drinking anyways. That wasn't true. He wanted to drink. A lot. But he couldn't. If he started heavy drinking he knew Sam would cut him off and he didn't want that either. _Could he find a dealer this late?_ Of course, he could. _You're supposed to be sober._ You are sober. Two months. At least with drugs. Sammy'll kill me. He'd understand why though. _No, he wouldn't._ He'd want him to talk about it. Talking about it is why he feels like shit. He was going to have to tell Sam, he'd find out either way. Thinking about telling Sam everything made it worse, he picked up the pace. That poor girl. _You saved her. You're a hero Dean_. Would a hero let himself be pushed against the wall? Would a hero let himself be touched like that? Again? _No, it wasn't your fault._ You were the one that ran down that ally. _To save the girl._ She's safe. You're safe.

Dean stopped and pressed his hands against his face. His stupid hands hadn't stopped shaking. He just wanted to go home. _Sammy's at home. He's gonna make you talk about it._ Dean looked to his side and saw that he was in front of a corner store.

How could he not? It was right there advertising his favorite brand of cigarettes. _Sammy will be mad._ But this way he would be able to talk about it, that'll make Sammy happy, right. It was too late he was already inside. He bought a pack and a new lighter. As soon as he's outside his lighting one up. It makes him feel good. He can feel the smoke in his lungs. Maybe that was a bad thing but he didn't care. He stayed in the front of the store as he finished his first one. He lights up a second and starts walking home. The police station was on the opposite side of the town, and in his panic, he started walking in the other direction. It would be a long walk home, but Dean didn't mind. Smoking kept his mind off things as he walked but his hands were still shaking. He wasn't afraid to walk alone at night, otherwise he would never be able to leave his house and he couldn't live like that. Besides he knew the streets well enough to walk himself home when he was drunk. He finished his first cigarette. _Damn, that was fast. Only lasted like ten minutes_. He smoked some more, but his mood didn't increase. Not like it had the first time. It had helped his muscles relax a bit but he was still on edge. _Maybe some more will help._ When he got home he sat on the porch steps. In a few minutes, his second cigarette burned out. So he lit up another. He stared up at the sky, relishing in the feeling the smoke was giving him. Thinking how it was worth it to ruin his lungs or whatever. When Sam pulled up and Dean saw his little brother's disappointed face he wasn't sure it was worth it. But at this point, he didn't care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big announcement everyone! I know I said I was going to focus on school and not write that much this week, well I lied. I actually wrote a lot and I am a few chapters ahead. From now on I will update on a schedule. I will try to do two a week, Mondays and Fridays. However, I do not want writing to turn into a chore/become stressful so I may not stick to this (or I could just forget to upload too lol) 
> 
> ALSO, thanks to literally all of you, especially those who leave comments, I'm honestly writing this story because of you. And for those few that have commented multiple times, I see you and I literally scream from joy to see your comment. So thanks for reading! I hope you enjoy going more in-depth in this AU!


	5. Brother talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of past sexual assault, foul language (same as the last chapter)  
> TW: smoking/ intense desire to smoke  
> I will update tags and put warnings when triggering topics come up.

"Let me repay the favor, Dean. Tell me what's wrong, and don't say nothing because your hands are shaking even as you smoke."

Dean looked down at his shaking hands and closed his eyes.

"I was leaving the bar, I hadn't had anything to drink yet. Benny said they were supposed to get more Makers Mark tomorrow. I heard a scream. Coming from an alleyway up ahead. Started running. Saw some ugly son of a bitch trying to undress a girl. Her name was Catherine. With a C. She goes to the same school as you. She's an English language arts major. You know her?"

Sam knew Dean was stalling, but he was talking, so he played along, "no doesn't sound familiar."

Dean nodded and blew out smoke, "I ran in and punched the guy and the girl got away. Told her to call the police. She did. They were pretty quick to come but not as quick as they could've."

Sam knew what Dean was saying, but in order to help his brother, he needed to know how messed up he felt. In order to know that he needed the truth, "what happened between the guy and you?"

"What do you think Sam," Dean answered too quickly.

Sam paused and spoke softly, "Dean."

Dean to a long drag of his cigarette and Sam waited patiently as he blew the smoke out. "It was a fight at first. Kicked him in the nuts. I thought I'd won so I let my guard down. He broke my nose and I couldn't see." Dean took a deep breath. "He grabbed my wrists. Slammed me against the wall. Said I was fuckable. Feminine. A whore. That I'd be just as good as the girl," Dean had started crying and his voice started cracking a little, "I told him I was gonna kill him. He said I'd never get the chance."

Tears silently fell down Sam's face.

Dean continued, "that's when to police showed up. The man was still holding me but he was distracted. So I pushed him off then I saw red. I started going off on the man's face. The cops pulled me off him. They took me down to the station."

"For what? Assault?" Sam asked.

Dean shook his head, "they just wanted my statement. Then I met Catherine and we talked. She's gonna be the one to press charges, but I'm gonna testify in court."

"That's good Dean, you can put that dick in jail this time."

"Yeah..."

"What is it?"

Dean took a couple of puffs of his cigarette before answering, "just... brings back memories."

Sam nodded, "Which ones?"

"All of them," Dean somberly laughed.

Sam waited a few minutes then asked, "you gonna stop smoking? After this."

"Yeah Sammy, just did it to make it easier to talk to you."

Sam looked at his brother, almost hurt. Dean didn't look over but he could feel Sam's stare.

"Not like that... Just talking about it, in general, is hard."

That seemed good enough for Sam. He stood up and brushed himself off.

"Goodnight Dean, don't stay out too late."

"Night."

Dean keeps his cigarette lit for as long as he can, but it inevitably goes out. He thinks about lighting up another. He still has one in his pocket that he saved. He didn't want to lie to Sam. It was just... a contingency plan. He decides against it and goes inside.

 _The same night._  
Dean sprung up in his bed. He had had a nightmare about his sexual assault. The one that went a lot further than a kiss. Dean rubbed his eyes until he saw stars. He looked at the clock and sighed. It was 7 am and he was wide awake. He changed his clothes and picked up the one cigarette he had. He rolled it back and forth between his hands. _No, he'd promised Sam_. He pocketed it and yawned. He didn't want to wake up Sam so he decided to go for a walk.

The sun was already pretty high in the sky, so it wasn't cold out. He wasn't hungry but figure he should go eat. The town had a university in it so there was a Waffle House open nearby. The cigarette was heavy in his pocket. He ordered black coffee and two waffles with bacon and eggs. It's been a long time since he had Waffle House food and it was really good. He inhaled the waffles and eggs. Then relished in the bacon. The waitress got him another cup of coffee. He enjoyed the taste and the feel of caffeine, but now that he was finished eating, his mind went back to his nightmare. His hands twitched once he finished his second cup. He quickly signaled the waitress and she happily refilled it and took his plates away. He finished this cup quicker than the last and he couldn't stop his leg from bouncing. His thoughts were getting stuck in the past. The weight in his chest grew. No, he needed this. He threw down money for the food and walked out. He walked down the street and started flicking his lighter.

Dean was busy lighting his cig, but across the street, Cas was going for his morning run. He noticed Dean, but Dean's eye bags and body language told him it was not the time to reconnect. He continued his run and made a mental note to check in with Sam.

 _Back to Dean_  
He walked quickly as he sucked in on his cigarette. He weaved his way around town, careful to avoid his neighborhood. When it ran out, he snuffed out his cigarette and disposed of it. Sam would be up soon anyway. He made his way back home and sure enough, Sam was awake.

He was eating breakfast at the kitchen table.

"Morning," Dean said going to the fridge for something to drink.

"Morning," Sam replied, "couldn't sleep?"

"Nah, I went to Waffle House."

"That's it?" Sam was staring expectantly.

"Yeah needed to get me some bacon."

"Dean I can smell it. You were smoking."

Somehow Dean had forgotten about the smell, "oh."

"Oh? Dean, you handed over that box! So what you have a secret stash?"

"No! Look, Sam, I kept one in my pocket last night that's all, ok?"

"And how am I supposed to believe you, huh? You could be lying. For all I know you've been smoking in private for the last two months!"

"Sam please I- I was sober ok. But now I'm done, so you don't have to worry."

"How can I not worry, Dean?" Sam sounded so broken.

"Here," Dean took the lighter from his back pocket and handed it to Sam. He was fully intending to keep it in case he needed to smoke some more, but he could see his brother like this.

"Dean, I want you to go to Garth's on Saturday."

"What? Come on I-"

"Look, Dean. I know it's hard ok, and it's going to keep being hard. So please just go, at least until the court case is over."

"Sam I haven't been in like a year."

"Because you've been sober. At least mostly sober for the past couple of months."

"Yeah, exactly I've slipped up before but then I stop again."

"Yeah but it's different now."

"Why?"

"You know why. And I- I heard you, Dean. You had a nightmare, right? About Alistair?"

Dean didn't respond.

"We both would rather you go to the weekly meetings with Garth than being forced to be put in an inpatient rehab."

"Fine, I'll go. I've never had a secret stash, you know, like ever."

"I believe you and Dean, thank you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok updates will be on Mondays/Thursdays, just so they're more evenly spread out. I can't wait to share the next few chapters! I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> Also, would you rather longer updates or more frequent updates? Because I want to publish everything I've written, but then there'll be a long stall in between updates.


	6. Group therapy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: drug use, not explicit, overdose, blackout  
> I will update tags and put warnings when triggering topics come up.

Dean pulled up to the church and put the Impala in park. Well, technically it was a church, but there were so many community events there and there weren't many Jesus statues, so Dean decided to think of it as more of a community center. It's been a long time since he's been to this rehab group. He was kinda nervous. He shook his head. He shouldn't be nervous, he's got nothing to prove. Dean saw a few familiar faces enter the building but he couldn't make himself go in yet. Finally, the meeting was going to start without him, so he got out of the car.

When he entered the meeting room, everyone was chitchatting in groups of two or three. Taking advantage of the free water and snacks. No one really noticed his presence until one familiar face spots him.

"Dean!" Garth called from across the room causing everyone to look towards the door. Dean's embarrassed but he can't help but smile. Garth was just such a small, warm and cuddly person.

"Good to see you, Garth," Dean reluctantly opened his arms and Garth hugged him tightly.

"So nice for you to join us, you're right on time," Garth turned to face the majority of the group, "alright everyone let's sit down now."

People file into the circle of chairs set up in the middle. That's when Dean spots him. Cas has his bright blue eyes staring at Dean. After a moment Dean looked away and found an open seat next to an unfortunately familiar man named Crowley.

Once everyone had settled in, Garth spoke again, "hello everyone. I know some of our veterans will remember him from last year, but since we have some new faces I think it's proper to have him introduce himself again."

Garth motion towards Dean who cleared his throat. "Hello everyone, I'm Dean and I was addicted to all kinds of drugs but I'm pretty much sober now so."

The group all welcomed Dean as custom. Dean was slouched in his seat, fiddling with his hands. A couple of people shared as Garth led the conversation with questions. Dean tuned it out until he heard the deep gravely voice of Castiel.

He was answering a question Garth had asked him, "no I didn't drink any. In fact, I'm four months sober today."

The group clapped and offered congratulations. Cas thanked them all then look right at Dean, who was staring at him. Dean gave a little smile and Cas couldn't help but smile back.

Dean tried to pay attention, but everyone's story blended together. He didn't really see the point in listening to other people's struggles. _How was that supposed to help?_ A few other people share before Dean starts listening again.

"I've actually been good, well bad, but good in the sober way," the man next to Dean said.

"That's great to hear, Crowley," Garth smiled then looked at Dean, "Dean, would you like to share why you decided to come back?"

Dean sighed, "I'm back because my brother wants me to be."

"Well did something happen to make Sam want you to come?"

"Yeah but it's not actually a big deal. I smoked a couple of cigarettes, but it was just one day and it was only cigs so I'm back on the sobriety bandwagon."

"Well that's good to hear," Garth smiled at Dean, "did something happen to make you wanna smoke again?"

"Yup."

"What happened?"

"The thing is I don't really want to talk about it." _Especially in front of all these people, god group therapy was dumb_.

"Come on Dean, this is a safe place," Crowley said sarcastically.

"Crowley," Garth warned.

Dean glared at him, "really Crowley? If it's so safe then why are you lying?"

"What?" he asked, shocked.

"I know you Crowley, better than anyone here."

Cas looked at Dean with great interest.

Dean continued in a staring contest with Crowley, "you're not sober. In fact," Dean gave a little laugh, "you're high right now."

"Shut up," Crowley said through clenched teeth.

"Let's calm down now guys," Garth tried.

"I bet you haven't been able to go two hours without having to shoot up again huh."

"I said shut up!" Crowley barked and stood up.

Dean stood up too, "deny it all you want but you're not getting sober."

"Dean!" Garth stood up.

"Deny it all you want, but you'll always come crawling back to me, whore," Crowley spat.

"All right that's enough!" Garth got between the two boys.

"I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you!"

"You're right," Crowley smirked, "you wouldn't be here if it weren't for me."

"Sit down!" Garth yelled, "both of you."

Dean turned away, "It's fine Garth, I was just leaving."

"Dean, wait-"

But Dean didn't wait. He left the room and quickly left the building. The cool air was refreshing. Dean was struggling to breathe. He has kept it together in the room, but Crowley really knew how to get under his skin. Dean went to a small bench on the side of the church and tried to calm down. He squeezed his eyes shut but couldn't stop the tears from falling. _Damn it._ The number of times he's cried in the past couple of days was too high. Although Sam would probably say he should cry more. That thought gave him a quick smile. He focused more on Sam in order to ground himself. Once he was calm he realized he should probably apologize to Garth. He checked his watch and saw that the meeting would end in a couple of minutes. He waited on the bench as he saw some people, including Crowley, leave the building.

"Are you alright?"

Dean whipped his head around.

It was Cas. "Sorry didn't mean to startle you,"

"Don't worry about it," Dean smiled.

Even though Dean was sitting in the middle of the bench, Cas went to sit next to him. Dean scooted over without saying anything. They sat like that for a moment. Cas with perfect posture and Dean resting his elbows on his knees. Both just staring forward, both not knowing what to say.

Dean cleared his throat, "So what are you coming here for? I mean I heard you say you were what? Four months sober? Sorry, I just kinda tune the whole meeting out."

"I'm an alcoholic. I used to drink heavily every weekend. It got me fired from my last job. Ever since I've moved here, I've tried to stay sober. I never heavy drink anymore, but I still make myself reset when I have any drink."

"That's good, real good Cas. I'm proud of you. You're making sure you're not gonna relapse."

"I'm proud of you too Dean."

Dean scoffed, "for what?"

"Well you did make it to two months, and then when you smoked again you came back to the meetings."

Dean looked down, "well you shouldn't be proud of me for that. I'm like you, I've stopped the real heavy stuff after... after a time, but when I do have problems I don't want to come here. I'm only here 'cause Sam wants me to be. I don't really think these things work."

"Why not?"

"Sharing your super personal problems to all those people is impossible. You either lie or I don't know, really trust people."

"If you want you can share your problems with me."

Dean glanced over at Cas and realized the man was staring at him. "I don't want to dump my shit on you, Cas."

Cas stood up, "well I don't think of it like that. So if you should ever change your mind." He handed Dean a piece of paper with his number on it. Dean looked down at it and smiled. It's been so long since someone gave him their number on a piece of paper. When he looked up, Cas was gone. He entered Cas's number into his phone and stood up. Then he went inside to apologize to Garth. He was really cool with it and was glad Dean felt ok.

And when Dean got back into his car, his hands weren't shaking that much. He felt ok.

But that night, his nightmares brought him back.

He was in Hell, well Crowley's illegal club. The music was a solid pounding beat. There might have been song lyrics, but Dean didn't hear them. His day had been real shity and so he came to the club hoping for a quick high. There were so many people around. Whatever drugs that new guy gave him didn't do the trick. Bar on the right, the DJ on the left. Normally he was more careful with what drugs he was putting in his body, but not today. Dean's trying to focus. Stumbling from table to table. Whatever he took was fucking him up and not in a good way. He's bumping into people. He needed to find a dealer with the good stuff. So many people everywhere. Even more so now that the last drugs were taking him down. There was a sea of people on the dance floor. He finds himself in the bathroom. A guy hands him a pill. Acid. Good stuff. Could improve his mood. He's on the floor. Why's he on the floor. It's quiet here. No someone's talking. Someone else is also talking? No music though. He wasn't in the club. He was face down on the floor. Hardwood, covered in drool. Covered in vomit.

"Why was that not the first thing you did!?!"

He knew that voice.

He was being lifted up. He tried to help the big person carrying him but his legs fell out from under him. WALK he told his legs. His legs did not walk.

"Hey Dean, Dean!"

He grunted.

"We're gonna get you to the hospital ok?"

Hospital? He needed to go to the hospital? He tried to move, show this guy he was fine. His muscles were not cooperating.

Beeping. People talking. It reeked of vomit. Voices. Faces. Doctors. He was in a hospital? Darkness.

Quiet. Whispers. Steady beep. White walls. White floors. Tubes, IV. In his arm. He was in the hospital. Someone was grabbing his hand.

"Sammy?" he croaked out.

His bother's head shot up. He was crying but a smile spread across his face.

"Dean! You're awake, thank god."

"What happened?"

"You overdosed."

Dean looked at his brother confused.

"You don't remember? What's the last thing you remember?"

"I was..." he closed his eyes, "I was at Crowley's. I think something was laced. Then I- the bathroom... the floor, I-I don't, I don't-"

"Hey it's ok, you're ok Dean."

"Sammy," Dean's voice broke, "what happened?"

"You had a lot of different drugs in your system. It was too much. Crowley found you on the ground. He brought you next door into the brewery and called me," tears were flowing from Sam's eyes and he had to look away. "He said you might be dead. I asked him why he didn't call 911 right away. He said he didn't want to get arrested and he did more than anyone else would. He left as I struggled to get you in the car. I drove you straight to the hospital and they saved you."

"Sammy I'm sorry." Dean slammed his head back. "Sam! I'm sorry! I'm so so sorry. Sammy!"

"Dean it's ok-" Sam was looking down at him. It was dark now.

"Sammy?" He was older now.

"Yeah, I'm here Dean. It was just a dream." They were in his room.

"I'm sorry Sam, I'm sorry." It was a flashback.

"It's ok, Dean. I'm safe. You're safe. It was just a Dream."

Dean sat up and whipped his face with his hands. He took a few breaths as Sam sat down on the edge of the bed.

Dean couldn't look up at his brother. "Did I scream?"

Sam nodded. Dean knew this was an obvious question so he spoke again, "sorry for waking ya."

"What was the dream about?"

Dean fiddled with the edge of the blanket. _God, he was such a child._

"My OD."

"Why?"

 _Why? It's not like he chose to dream about that._ But he's not angry, instead, he scratched his head.

"Crowley is going to Garth's. I'm not going to go anymore."

Dean was expecting a protest, but at Sam's silence, he looked up.

His brother wasn't crying, but Dean could tell he wanted to.

"I'll be fine, Sam. Go back to bed."

"Dean-"

"Look I won't be able to go back to sleep if I know you're staying up because of me. I'll be fine." Dean managed a smile, "please, Sam."

Sam nodded as his shoulders dropped their tension. Sam went back to his room and fell asleep. The house was quiet once again. Dean didn't fall back asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops thought I posted. Enjoy!


	7. Girlfriend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are no triggering topics in this chapter. I will update tags and put warnings when triggering topics come up.

Dean was driving to work in his baby. He was tired and in a groggy mood. He stopped at a stoplight and glanced to his right. Sitting on the bus stop bench was Crowley. He had a nasty cut on his cheek and a black eye to go with it. Dean smiled at Crowley's bruised face. He didn't know why, but he had a strange suspicion that Ao3 user Winter_Wolf101 was the one that punched him. Crowley was downright miserable. Dean turned on the radio. It was one of Dean's favorite Dennis DeYoung songs. He turned the volume up and started singing along. He was happy for the rest of his drive and even happier when Bobby let him play his music at work.

_A few hours later..._

Dean was in the shop fixing up the power steering in a BMW when his phone rings.

"No personal calls during work," Bobby jokes.

"Sure Mr. Sleep-through-two-appointments," Dean jeered back as he cleaned off his hands.

"It was one time!" Bobby complained.

"Yeah, whatever old man," Dean laughed as he picked up his phone. Sam had called him.

"Hey Sammy, what's up?"

"Hey Dean, do you have any plans tonight."

"I was probably going to go to some bar, I don't know. Why? That's a weird question."

"Well can we take you out for dinner?"

"We?"

Although it was a phone call, Dean could feel Sam's smile, "yeah, there's someone I want you to meet."

"Oh! Ok! How fancy are we talking here?"

Sam laughed, "not that fancy but please change out of your work clothes before you come. I'll text you the address."

"Alright will do. What time?"

"Well you get off at 5:30, so I was thinking 6?"

"Yeah that sounds good, just don't expect me to shower."

Sam rolled his eyes, "fine it'll be 6:30, and _please_ shower."

"Sure thing. See you then."

"Yup, bye."

__________

Dean's only five minutes late, but he knows Sam's going to complain. The hostess lets him in and gestures to the left. Dean follows his hand and sees Sam. He's sitting next to a girl. He walked over with a smile on his face.

Sam looked up and greeted him, "Hi Dean. So uh, this is my girlfriend, Eileen Leahy. Eileen this is Dean."

The girl looked up at him, her voice sounded weird to Dean. "It's nice to meet you Dean. I'm deaf." She sighed deaf as she spoke.

"Well it's nice to meet you too," Dean sat down at the table and the waiter came over. He brought the boys a sprite and Eileen some orange juice.

"So just how crazy are you that you want to date my brother?" Dean asks smiling.

She laughs, "not as crazy as him I can promise you."

"I'm right here," Sam complain and they all laugh again.

"So are you pre-law too?"

"Actually yeah. I just transferred from nursing. Wasn't really my thing."

"Eileen and I met in class."

"Not math I hope because you're failing math."

Eileen smiled and glanced at Sam, who was rolling his eyes.

"No, and I'm not failing math anymore, thanks to your help."

"What are big brothers for? You have any siblings Eileen?"

"No, my parents died when I was a baby. I was raised by my grandma. I have cousins, but they're all really young. So what do you do for a living Dean?"

"I'm a mechanic. At singer's auto. I also fix up vintage cars in my spare time."

"Cool, what kind of car do you drive?"

Sam groaned, "Eileen no, now he won't shut up about it!"

A wide grin spread across Dean's face, "a 1967 Chevy impala. She's my pride and joy."

"A 327 four-barrel with 275 horsepower?"

Dean's jaw dropped, "no way, you're insane!"

"And not just because I'm dating your brother?"

"No, no, no. Barely anyone knows about my baby, how'd you know?"

"Sam picked me up in it once. I figured it was yours and so I researched it before I came here."

Even Sam was surprised. Dean threw his head back in laughter. It was a great to laugh after everything that's happened this week.

When things calmed down, Dean slapped Sam's back, "you got yourself a good one Sammy, don't go screwing it up."

"I know," Sam smiled at Eileen, "and I won't."

"Wait so how long have you been together?"

"Officially, only a couple of days," Sam answered.

"But Sam hasn't been able to keep his eyes off of me since I joined his class a month ago."

"Is taking classes hard? Sorry, I don't mean to be offensive but this school isn't for the hard of hearing so like how does class work?"

"Don't worry. Many people ask. I have an interpreter that comes to every class."

"What about like with Sam?"

"I'm trying to learn asl," Sam answered.

"He's pretty slow at it but it's ok I have hearing aids and I can read lips."

"Well, there's really only one sign you gotta know," Dean smirked and made the f sign with his right hand then put his other finger through it.

"Jesus Christ, Dean!" Sam got red as he pushed Dean's hands down. Eileen finds it hilarious and loved how flustered Sam is. She laughed and pointed at Sam's red face. They talk some more and then their food comes. The waiter turns out to be hard of hearing as well. He signs to Eileen after he put down the food. Eileen signed back and the waiter left.

"Hey wait I knew that sign!" Dean smiled as he put his pinkie to his cheek and flicked upwards, "juice right?"

"Yeah," Eileen laughed at Dean's enthusiasm.

"See Sammy? Easy."

Sam signed, _it's not that easy dumbass_.

Eileen chuckled. Dean glanced quickly at her then back to Sam. "Yeah, I don't know what the beginning was but you called me a dumbass and that's not cool bro," he took a bite of his burger, "not cool."

The rest of the dinner was filled with laughter as Dean and Eileen got to know each other better. Sam was glad because he really, really liked Eileen, even though they hadn't been dating long. When they were finished the waiter visited them and asked if they wanted any deserts.

"No thank you," Eileen said.

"Woah, strike number one girl," Dean pretended to be mad, "I'll take a slice of apple pie and get these two crazy kids one milkshake with two straws." The waiter nodded and left.

"Dean is obsessed with pie," Sam explains.

"No, I'm not obsessed I mean," Dean coughed as Sam raised his eyebrows at him, "ok fine at least pie is good for you."

"No, it's not!"

"Yeah, it has apples in it."

"Apples covered in sugar and baked in bread."

"Apples are a fruit."

"That doesn't make pie a fruit!"

"Last I checked you're in law school, not med school. Eileen you were gonna be a nurse, is _APPLE_ pie a fruit."

Eileen bit her lip and glanced at Sam who was glaring at her not to say yes.

"Yeah it defiantly is," she laughed.

"Boom," Dean leaned back like he had won the world. Sam shook his head in defeat.

When desert came Dean happily ate his so-called fruit as Sam and Eileen shared the milkshake. It was corny but Dean thought it was nice seeing the two of them act all cute together. When they're finished eating Dean insists on paying the bill. They go outside and Eileen and Dean hug. He gives them some space and Sam and Eileen have a quick kiss. Eileen gets in her car and Dean drives Sam home.

"I like her Sam," Dean said looking away from the road and at his brother, "and I really mean that."

Sam has a huge smile on his face, "Thanks, Dean, that means a lot." They didn't say anything else but they were both thinking of John and if he would've approved of Eileen. Sam decided that he didn't care. Dean was his family. That reminded him of something.

"Hey Dean," Sam said.

"Yeah?" Dean grunted.

"I um found something, in the glove compartment the other day."

Dean felt a buzz in the back of his head. He was pretty sure he knew what Sam had found, but he didn't want to say it if it was wrong, "What was it?"

"A pin. A purple, blue, pink flag pin. Is that yours?"

"Charlie gave it to me."

"It's the bisexual pride flag."

"Yup."

"God, Dean do I need to spell it out for you, are you bi?"

Dean didn't respond, tightening his grip on the wheel. He looked over at Sam, his little brother Sam, and saw no hate in his eyes. Only curiosity.

"I think so, Sammy. I mean, there's so many labels out there."

"That's totally fine Dean. You could've told me."

"I know I could've it's just... It's still hard to say."

"Did I make it hard to -"

"NO! No, Sammy, it was just 'cause dad-"

"I would never-"

"I know! I mean, I know you'd never hate me or whatever, but it still feels like a big thing to tell you. So that's why I never did."

"I understand Dean. Thanks for finally telling me."

"Well, you practically forced me to."

Sam laughed, "Only because you were dodging the subject ok?"

"Bu-wha-hey I was not dodging the subject!"

"Sure, sure. Just next time you bring someone home, it's whatever, I'm cool with it."

"Only because you finally found someone that's willing to actually put up with you."

"What! You jerk!"

"Bitch."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really a fan of this chapter but I hope you all like it
> 
> I can't just have traumatic moment after traumatic moment you know?
> 
> Also, why do all my Dean coming out stories end in bitch/jerk


	8. Call for help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: panic attacks, flashbacks, references to past r/pe, slight child abuse

It's been two weeks since Cas gave Dean his number, but Dean hasn't reached out.

Cas was in his house in the living room. He lived alone in a small one-bedroom house with a garden in the back. Cas had just finished eating dinner and was getting comfy on his couch in order to read. His phone pings on the coffee table. Someone texted him but he doesn't have their number saved.

_Can I call you?_

_Who is this?_

_Sorry it's Dean Winchester_

_Yes, you can call me._

What did Dean want? Cas thought as he clicked accept.

"Hello, Dean."

"Hey Cas, I hope it's not a bad time..."

"It's fine, I just finished dinner and was about to start reading."

"Really, what book?"

"The play Twelfth Night by Shakespeare."

"That's fun. What you have for dinner?"

"Um, some salmon. Dean are you alright?" Cas sat up straighter, Dean was talking slow and sounded upset.

"Yeah, why?"

"It's just... these are very strange questions. Especially considering this is the first time we've ever called."

"I just wanted to talk to you."

"Dean where are you right now?"

"..."

"Dean?"

"Yeah I heard you, it's just..."

"Dean I'm getting worried."

"I was hoping maybe I could take you up on your offer, on talking about my problems. If it's still on the table... and I don't know, it's easier to talk on the phone."

"Of course you can talk to me. If you don't want to talk in person that's fine, I won't track you down, but please tell me where you are Dean. I just want to make sure you're safe."

"I'm safe, Cas, I'm at the junkyard." It was the truth. Dean was sitting on the ground leaning up against a vintage car.

"Thank you, Dean," he felt his shoulders relax, "Now, what do you wanna talk about?"

"Well, it's a long story, I don't really want to go into detail, but I have to go to court tomorrow. I'm not in trouble I'm just," he took a shaky breath, "I'm testifying on a case."

"And that's causing you a lot of stress."

"Yeah," Dean spoke soft and slow, "I don't know if I can do it."

"Well this case seems important to you, I'm sure it'll be worse if you miss it."

"It's so damn important to me, Cas. I wanna do it to help Catherine. I won't let- Nobody should ever- We have to win this case."

"Is the jury leaning in your favor?"

"They should be, I mean, there are multiple witnesses, and when I testify, there's no question we'll win it."

"Then there's no need to worry."

Dean let out a bitter laugh, "that's not the part I'm worried about."

"Then what is?"

"..."

"Dean, whatever it is, you need to get it off your chest, you called me for a reason."

"Ever since... the day this happened, I knew I would have to go to court and-" Dean held his breath to stop a sob from coming out. When he continued his voice was cracked, "and I've been getting flashbacks. To when I was younger. When I had to testify in a similar case. Except I was the plaintiff. And the case was a lot worse. And throughout the hearing, I was trapped in my own head. I just kept replaying the night over and over. I had been constantly crying for weeks before because of it. But when it was finally time to get on the stand, I was emotionless. It was like I wasn't even there. The lawyers asked questions and I answered and the next thing I know the jury had their verdict." Dean put the phone down. He couldn't even hold it anymore, his hands were shaking.

Cas waited on the other end of the line. Not wanting to interrupt and say the wrong thing.

Dean tried to regain his composure, but he couldn't. He tried and he couldn't.

"Thanks, Cas. I got to go."

"Dean wait!"

Dean hung up the phone. He brought his knees to his chest and leaned forward. He was violently sobbing. He slammed his fists into the ground. He pursed his lips to try and breathe better but they were tingling and he couldn't make himself do it. He felt his mind solely drift away from his convulsing body. He was being sucked into a memory. And then he was there.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" John screamed grabbing the boy's shoulders.

"Dad please I-" Dean was crying.

"YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN IN THE FIRST PLACE."

"Dad," it came out as a whimper.

"WHAT KIND OF MAN ALLOWS THAT TO HAPPEN HUH? AND WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK NOW THAT YOU MADE IT ALL UP?"

"Dad I didn't-"

"YOU'VE WASTED ALL OUR MONEY. DO YOU WANT SAM TO STARVE IS THST IT?"

"No I-"

John slapped him, "STOP CRYING BOY."

 _"Dean breathe_." The voice sounded far away. Where was he? He felt a hand on his back. It was rubbing small circles. He was leaning over. The hand was on his back. He was crying.

"Breathe, just breathe."

Dean recognized the voice. "Cas?" He chocked out.

"Yes Dean, I'm here. You're safe."

He couldn't breathe. All he could do was suck in air. He needed to breathe out. He forced his fists to unclench.

"That's good Dean. You're ok."

He forced himself to breathe out. In then out. In 1 2 3. Out 1 2 3.

"That's it. Breathe."

Dean swallowed painfully, "Cas, how'd you get here so fast?"

"I drove. It wasn't that fast, I live on the other side of town," Cas was kneeling in front of him.

"Cas, the jury they- we lost the case," he took a deep breath in, "they didn't believe me." Dean locked eyes with Cas, "no one believed me."

"Sam believes you and I'm sure if you told me what happened I'd believe you."

"If it weren't for the flashbacks, I wouldn't believe me either. That's why I have to go to court. Put that son of a bitch in jail. I won't let what happened to me happen to Catherine."

"You've already helped her so much."

Dean shook his head and put his hands on his face. Cas sighed and sat next to Dean against the car. Their shoulders were touching but Dean liked the pressure. It helped to remind him that someone was there. They sat in silence for a moment, and it was nice not having to make eye contact.

"What if I break down? What if I can't do it?" Dean asked in a whisper.

"Sam will be-"

"No."

"What?"

"I- Sam's not coming." Dean bit his lip.

"Why not? You've told him right?"

"Yeah he knows but he doesn't know that I'm testifying tomorrow."

"Why didn't you tell him?"

"He's got a big math test that day. He's just getting his grade back up, he can't miss it. If I told him he'd either make sure he was right there with me, or he would be too distracted to do well. I can't let him worry about me, not at the expense of his education."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

Dean looked at Cas in surprise. He spoke softly, "you'd do that for me?"

Cas's reply was equally soft, "of course."

"What about work?"

"I only have one class tomorrow, I can cancel it."

"That's too much, Cas. I- you still barely know me."

"I know enough to care about you," Cas said it without thinking, this was not the time to think like that. He can't take advantage of Dean in this low time, "I know enough to see how important this is to you and I want to help."

"I don't know, I'll probably be really out of it tomorrow."

"And you have every right to be. So please," he put his hand on Dean's arm, "let me help you."

"Ok Cas," Dean breathed out, barely audible. He leaned over and rested his head on Cas's shoulder. Cas didn't say anything. He just sat there, twiddling his thumbs ever so slightly.

Dean was silently crying now. He appreciated Cas. So much. Cas had the heart to come find him after he hung up and he was willing to cancel a class just to be with him. Cas barely knew him, but he was there for him. As he sat there leaning against Cas, he cried. It wasn't the painful suffocating cry like before. It was the smooth and silent cry that just let your body release.

 _Cas pov_  
When Dean rested his head on his shoulder, he debated putting his arm around him. He decided against it because he wasn't sure what kind of comfort Dean needed right now. So instead he puts his hands on his lap. He lets his eyes wander around the junkyard. The work table has a cooler under it and a box of tools on top. He feels a cool sensation on his shoulder. Careful not to disturb Dean, he looks down at him. Dean's crying again, but it's not a panic attack, so Cas pretends he doesn't see it. He continued staring forward at letting his mind think. He began planning his next lessons and how his canceled class tomorrow would affect his teaching schedule. Dean's breath becomes more steady and even. Cas carefully looks at him once again and sees that he's sleeping. He smiled. He was glad Dean could get some sleep. It sure looked like he needed it.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed, if he was just zoned out or if he'd fallen asleep too, but he jolted when Dean's phone went off. Dean sat up and checked his phone. San was calling. Still sitting on the ground, Dean answered.

"Hey Sammy."

 _Dean are you alright!_ Cas could hear Sam's worry through the phone.

"Yeah, I'm good. On my way home now."

_Where are you? What happened?_

"Relax, man. Look I fell asleep at the junkyard. Sorry to keep you up."

_It's fine Dean I'm studying, I just wanted to make sure you're ok._

"Yeah I'm good, be home in ten," he hung up the phone and sighed.

"Can you give me a lift home?" Dean asked standing up and offering out a hand.

Cas took it and stood up, "of course."

They drive home in a comfortable silence. The only sound was Dean telling Cas when to turn. They pulled up to the curb and Dean hopped out. Cas rolled down the window and Dean turned back.

"I'll see you tomorrow Dean."

Dean smiled, "good night Cas."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! :) Your comments make me smile until it hurts and that's what keeps me motivated to write!


	9. The trial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mentions of past r/pe, panic attacks, disasociation

Dean was waiting outside. He was pacing back and forth on the porch. He had managed to keep his anxiety down around Sam, but that was probably because Sam was too preoccupied with his own anxiety about his test to notice. When Sam left, he changed into a tux. As the time crept closer Dean couldn't sit still. He connected his AirPods to his phone and put his rock playlist on shuffle. Finally, Cas pulls up in his blue crv. Dean got in the passenger seat and put his AirPods back in their case.

"Hey, Cas."

"Hello Dean, would you like to connect your phone and play music?"

Dean paused, a little embarrassed at first, but he knew it would help him stay calm, "yeah thanks."

"Def Leppard?" Cas asked pulling the car out.

"Yeah, classic rock is my favorite. Helps me stay calm."

Cas nodded and they continued. Things were good. Dean was humming the music and staying in the moment as Cas drove.

"Fuck!" Dean yelled as his eyes widened.

"What? What is it?" Cas said urgently.

"I need-" Dean was starting to hyperventilate, "I need, Cas." Dean reached his hand over towards Cas while the other garbed aimlessly at his chest.

Cas immediately pulled over and took Dean's hand, "talk to me, Dean."

"A rubber band. I need a rubber band. Turn around," Dean clenched his eyes close, "I need to go back."

"I'm sure I have one in the car. Give me a minute."

Dean was breathing heavily, he was trying to look through the glove box but the tears in his eyes made it difficult to see.

"Dean I found one, just breathe."

Dean reached a shaking hand out and took the rubber band. He blew out forcefully and took a deep breath. He did it again. Then, to Cas's surprise, Dean started laughing.

"It's just such a small thing," Dean shook his head, "and I was freaking out and looking back I," he chuckled to himself, "I don't know I just overreacted."

"You just needed an emotional release. Why was the rubber band so important?"

"I just wanted something to fidget with and a rubber band is the most inconspicuous thing so."

"See, everything works out in the end." Cas pulled back onto the road.

"Yeah," Dean smiled.

A minute later, Dean speaks again, "hey Cas, I never really got to thank you. For yesterday and now today. I really didn't want to get my brother involved. He worries about me enough."

"Of course Dean, I promised I would help you at the church and I meant it."

"Yeah, that's actually why I called you," Dean stretched the rubber band in his hand, "I was on my way to this dealer I know. I told Sam I was going for a walk to clear my head but he saw right through it. He made me leave all my money at home. I was still gonna go. I knew he would still give me some acid if I- if I did stuff. Stuff I didn't want to do. So thank you, for stopping me from going down that road again."

"Anytime you need me," Cas said looking over, "I'll be there for you."

"I know you will, Cas." They sat in comfortable silence the rest of the way. Dean cued up _the Eye of the Tiger_ and closed his eyes.

They pull up to the back of the courthouse parking lot and find an empty space.

"Do you want me to come in with you? Or should I wait in the car?"

Dean pulled the rubberband between his hands before sliding it on his wrist. "Let's go in."

Cas nodded. He was wearing his normal teaching clothes and a trench coat. They weren't the fanciest but he figured it was fine for just sitting in court.

They walked around the building side by side. When the entrance came into view, Dean stuck his arm out in front of Cas. They stopped. There was a group of five men in front of the court. They had two signs saying 'free Carl Thompson'

Dean turned to Cas, "what are they doing here?"

"Is Carl Thompson the man who-"

"Yes, and they got the news's attention look."

Cas looked and Dean was right. A local news station was set up to film.

"That isn't right."

"Cas I need you to," Dean looked down, "I need you to take me in there, ok? Don't let me stop. Don't let me turn around."

Cas nodded, "no matter what happens."

Dean looked up, face hardened, and started walking forward. Cas was close behind him. While one man was talking to the reporter, the rest of the group noticed Dean and Cas's approach.

"You guys here for Thompson's case?" one asked.

"You'll be defending him right?" another said stepping in front of the two men forcing them to stop.

"Move," Dean said starring at man number two.

"Come on brother," a third man said, "Carl's a good guy, he'd never do anything like this."

"Get out of our way," Cas said in a firm voice.

"Hold on a second," the fourth one said getting closer, "you're the asshole making this all up aren't ya. Yeah, you are, why you gotta ruin his life."

Dean clenched his fists, but before anything could happen, Cas grabbed the back of his upper arm. He stepped in front of Dean and put his arm out. He forced the man blocking their path to move. The news camera was now pointed at the group of men, suspecting a commotion to occur, so the mob backed off. Cas guided Dean into the building.

Once they were inside, Cas removed his hand, "we're safe now."

"That's gotta be illegal or something," Dean mumbled.

"America will always defend protestors, even at places such as these."

"The jury gets protection, but if witnesses get protection I'd have to throw my life away," Dean wasn't really talking to Cas, but Cas was still listening and trying to comfort Dean.

"There's only five of them, and with the cameras, they can't do anything."

Dean nodded. He took the rubber band off his hand and started weaving it around with his right hand. They made their way to a briefing room where Catherine and her lawyers were waiting.

When he saw Catherine, Dean smiled. He remembered why he was doing all this.

"Dean, so good to see you," Catherine smiled and gave Dean a quick hug.

"You too Catherine," he gestured to Cas, "this is my friend Castiel Novak."

"You're a math professor right?" Catherine laughed awkwardly.

"Yes I am, but I don't believe you've ever been my student."

"Yeah, no. I've just seen you around."

Cas nodded. One of the lawyers, Gina Sheppard, cleared her throat.

"I know we've been through this already, but we should probably go over the questions Dean, and what the defendant might ask in the cross."

"Best to be prepared," Dean smiled to cover how nervous he felt.

Soon he was sitting in the courtroom next to Cas, unable to sit still. He wasn't going to be up right away. He knew that. But the ceremonial court stuff seemed to last forever. He used the rubber band and made it into a star. Then he just stretched the band back and forth.

Then he heard it. He was being called to the stand. He could feel everyone's eyes piercing through him as he approached the court.

"Please raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?" The bailiff asked.

 _God has nothing to do with it_ , Dean thought, but he spoke without hesitation, "I do."

"You may be seated."

"Prosecution may begin questioning the witness," Judge Micheal said.

Gina stood up and walked over to the stand. "So Dean," she began, "tell me where you were that night."

"I was leaving the bar, Purgatory, at around 10:30."

"So we're you drunk?"

"No, I hadn't drank anything yet."

"Why not? You went to a bar."

"I had just arrived and when I asked for my favorite drink, Makers Mark, the bartender told me they were all out. So I left to go to a different bar."

"Then what happened?"

"I heard a scream."

"Catherine's scream?"

"Yes," Dean clenched his fists.

"So, like any concerned person, you ran towards the scream to see what was wrong."

Dean nodded, his throat was dry.

"And what did you see?"

"I saw Carl pinning Catherine to the wall. His elbow across her throat. The other hand trying to unbutton her shorts."

"And to you, this looked non-consensual?"

"Objection! Leading the witness," the defense attorney, Lucifer exclaimed.

"Sustained. Please rephrase your question, Mrs. Sheppard," Judge Michael said.

"Forgive me, your honor. Dean, how would you describe Catherine's demeanor?"

"Terrified. She was crying, begging someone to save her."

"And that's when you ran in and punched the defendant."

"Yes."

"Then what happened?"

"I told Catherine to run and call 911. And she did. She got away," Dean took a deep breath, "and then me and Carl started to fight. He got me in the nose and I couldn't see."

"And then?"

"He grabbed my wrists and slammed me against the wall."

"Is this when things turned sexual?"

"Yes. He kissed down my neck."

"Did he say anything to you?"

"Yes," Dean answered quietly.

"I know it's hard to relive this moment, but what did he say to you?"

Dean glanced over at Carl, sitting in the defendant's chair. He was glaring at him. Someone that gave him energy. He has to get him in jail. "He said I had long lashes, thick lips," Dean cleared his throat, "he said I was 'just as fuckable as that whore.'" Dean used air quotes.

"Did anything else happen?"

"No, that was when the police showed up."

"Thank you, Dean. No further questions your honor."

"Defense you may now question the witness," Judge Michael said.

Lucifer stood up, "thank you, your honor." He walked over to the stand and smirked, "this isn't your first time, is it Dean?"

"W-what?" Dean glanced over at Mrs. Sheppard.

"Well, you've to court before. For rape. Isn't that correct?"

Dean was breathing shallowly, "I mean yes but-"

"Do you remember the result of that case?"

"Objection! Relevance!" Mrs. Sheppard stands up.

The judge turned to Lucifer, "Mr. Lucifer do you have any relevance here."

"Yes your honor I do," the corner of Lucifer's mouth twitched, "Testing the credibility for the witness."

Judge Michael paused for a second and nodded, "overruled. Witness will answer the question."

Dean clenched his teeth.

"I'll repeat the question. Do you remember what the jury ruled on the case?"

"Yes," Dean said through clenched teeth.

"And what was it."

"Not guilty."

"Not guilty, exactly. Nothing ever happened. You made it up."

"I didn't-"

"If the witness lied in a past case how do we know he's not lying again."

"Why would I make it up?" Dean cried out, louder than he meant.

"Oh you know," Lucifer leaned in close to Dean, "attention, money... pleasure."

Dean clenched his fists. There was a ringing in his ears.

"Objection! Badgering the witness," Mrs. Sheppard said.

Dean was breathing hard.

"Sustained," Judge Michael nodded, "Mr. Lucifer do you have any pertaining questions."

There was a ringing in Dean's ears.

"Yes, your honor. Now Dean how the when new the to we go?"

Dean just stared at Lucifer. He was having trouble processing everything and staying in the moment. This time he saw Lucifer's lips moving but he didn't hear any words come out.

"I-I don't.." Dean was starting to panic. He looked around and got caught on the piercing blue eyes of Castiel. He had tunnel vision as Cas nodded at him. _It's ok, breathe_ , Cas mouthed to him.

He took a deep breath and looked back at Lucifer, "can you repeat the question?"

"I said, you claimed to be sober when this supposedly happened?"

"Yes."

"You want us to believe that you, someone who had to be checked in to an inpatient rehab center. Went to a bar alone, and then left without drinking or smoking anything?"

"Yeah, I was sober."

"You are under oath, Mr. Winchester."

"You can ask the bartender Benny, I didn't order anything."

"Oh, we will," Lucifer narrowed his eyes, "no further questions your honor."

"Thank you Mr. Winchester you may step down."

Dean did, nodding to Catherine as he passed by. When he sat down he realized he'd been holding his breath. He steadied his breathing, but his mind was still fuzzy. He knew he was in the courtroom and yet he couldn't hear what was going on. He saw the courthouse around him. The judge, the lawyers, Catherine, _Carl_. He was there but his mind wasn't. It was just watching. Watching him sit there as it all went down. _Get your rubber band_. Right. He looked down and took the rubber band off his wrist. He stretched it a few times and weaved it around, but he couldn't get into it. He just held it with two hands and started at it. After a moment he closed his eyes and put it back on his wrist.

Then Cas took Dean's hand and squeezed it. He whispered in Dean's ear, "It'll all be over soon. The jury is making the decision right now."

Dean nodded, keeping his eyes closed. Cas loosened up on Dean's hand but before he could pull away, Dean squeezed tighter. So Cas stayed as he was. Holding Dean's hand.

Cas was doing exactly what Dean needed. Squeezing his hand made him feel more connected. Reminded him he was physically in the courtroom. This courtroom, for Catherine's case against Carl. He didn't know how much time was passing, he just kept his eyes closed and focused on his breathing. In 1 out 2 in 3 out 4 in 5 out 6 in 7 out 8 in 9 out 10 in 1 out 2 in 3 out 4 in 5

"Dean, the jury is coming back out," Cas whispered.

Dean opened his eyes and all the members of the jury were back. The foreman of the jury remained standing.

"Have you reached a verdict?" The judge asked

"We have, your honor," the foreman replied.

"Will the defendant please stand. You may read the verdict"

"We the jury find the defendant, Carl Thompson, guilty of all charges."

"So say you all?" the judge asked.

"Yes, your honor." The rest of the jury says.

Dean feels light-headed, but he smiled.

Judge Micheal and the bailiff said some official things didn't make that much sense to Dean. He tuned it out and squeezed Cas's hand tighter.

Finally, everyone stood as the judge left, then people began filing out. Dean let go of Cas and started walking out.

When they got out the front door Dean stopped walking. Cas came up beside him and saw what was going on. Apparently, Carl's friends were really riled because more news stations were broadcasting in front of the courthouse.

Dean grabbed onto Cas's arm, "I need to go, now."

Cas understood. Dean didn't want to talk to anyone. He walked quickly. Leading Dean along the edge of the building, trying to keep their heads down. It didn't work. Suddenly, there were three reporters showing microphones in Dean's face. There were also three cameras, three camera operators, and around five other guys, probably just trying to get their five seconds of fame, crowding around Dean. It was too much. Too much, he couldn't process it all happening at once. He held on to Cas's arm tighter. He feels so overwhelmed, so overcrowded. Then they start backing off. Someone was forcing their way in between Dean and the mob. It was Sam. Dean tried to get himself to calm down and acknowledge Sam, but he couldn't. _Just keep walking. Hold on to Cas. One foot in front of the other_. Sam managed to keep the group away for long enough until a new participant left the building. Then the crowd ran over to them. Sam led Cas (who led Dean) back to the impala. They sit Dean down in the passenger seat.

Sam's upset but knows that Dean is overwhelmed, so he gives Dean space. Instead, he turned to Cas.

"Profesor Novak, um, what are you doing here, I mean thank you but..."

"Dean asked me to come."

"He did? When?"

"Last night."

"What? I thought you guys barely knew each other. What happened?"

Cas gave his best summary while trying to protect Dean's privacy. He started with their talk at Garth's and ended with their talk at the junkyard.

"God, I knew he was messed up last night, but damn if you didn't... thank you, professor."

"Of course, Sam," Cas gave a small smile, "and you can call me Castiel if you'd prefer."

"I uh-"

"Sam!" Dean called with his head still in his hands.

Sam turned away from Cas and took a few urgent steps back to his brother, "yeah Dean?"

"Sammy, what the hell? You had your math test today!"

"What the hell me? No, what the hell you! Why didn't you tell me you were testifying today?"

Dean looked up at Sam, voice soft, almost embarrassed, "I didn't want you to miss your math test."

Sam's hard gaze softened, even facing his greatest fear, Dean was concerned about one of Sam's math tests.

"Dean-"

"Did you miss it?"

"No, I finished and then saw this on the news and ran over here."

Dean relaxed his shoulders, "good. that's good. That grade's going to keep going up."

"Dean, why didn't you tell me?"

Dean looked down at his feet, "it wasn't like I don't trust you, I do. I just, I don't know... you had that math test and I knew you would miss it for me and I didn't want you to fail because I couldn't handle my problems."

"This is a huge thing, I don't expect you to be able to shoulder it alone. Especially... you were really messed up last night, something could've happened."

"Well I thought I could handle it and I, well I did handle it. I called Cas, didn't I? I didn't end up doing anything I regretted!"

"And I'm glad, honestly. I-" Sam sighed then gave a small smile, "I am glad Dean, you did it. You won the case."

Dean stared up at his brother, "I did, didn't I" he smiled for a moment the got serious, "oh shit, Cas." He got out of the car.

Cas had just been standing there. Awkwardly watching the brothers in silence.

"Cas, man, I can't thank you enough," Dean opened his arms and hugged Cas.

Cas hugged him back, "of course, Dean. Anytime."

"Thanks for looking out for my brother, professor," Sam added with a wave.

"You're welcome, Sam." Cas then turned away and walked to his car.

"You wanna drive?" Sam asked holding out the keys to the car.

"Naw, not right now," Dean said much to Sam's surprise.

"Oh well ok, wanna go out to eat someplace? A bar?"

"No, I just want to go home." Dean got into the car.

Sam froze for a second. He told himself that Dean was fine. It was just a long day. He'd be back to himself tomorrow. He got in the driver's seat and brought them home. Dean was silent the whole drive. He was just staring at the window, watching the scenery go by, tears slipping down his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok Lucifer is like a really bad lawyer
> 
> also I hope the rubberband thing makes sense, it's something I use all the time


	10. The funk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mention of drugs, nothing serious

_Sam pov_  
Something was wrong with Dean. Something was very wrong. But Sam had no idea what it was. He tried asking Dean, but was shut down instantly. It wasn't like Dean was staying out all night getting drunk. In fact, he was staying away from drugs. Dean just... wasn't doing anything. He made meals every once in a while, but he never seemed to enjoy them. He just picked at his food. Whenever they did talk, it was always about Sam. When Sam asked Dean about his day, Dean said it was normal, just like any other day, uneventful, and then change the topic of the conversation.

After about a week of this, Bobby called.

"Hey Bobby," Sam said answering his phone.

"Hey Sam, is Dean with ya?"

"No, I'm at Eileen's place. Is everything ok?"

"Well, you tell me, Sam. Dean's not on drugs again is he?"

"No, he's been clean for the past few weeks, but he's been acting different right? That's why you called?"

"Yeah he was definitely acting weird a few days ago, but he hasn't been showing up to work. I've tried calling but never get an answer."

"He- he hasn't been at work?"

"No, he didn't tell you?"

"No, he..." Sam took a deep breath, "thanks for calling Bobby."

"Yeah, keep me updated, son."

"Will do."

Sam hung up the phone and shakily ran his hands across his face and hair. Eileen walked into the room and set a bowl of chips on the table. When she saw Sam, she sat down next to him and hugged him.

"What's wrong?" She signed.

"Dean," Sam signed back, using the sign name Eileen had given him.

"Let me guess, he doesn't want to talk about it."

"Yeah, he's been in a weird mood lately and that was Bobby, Dean's boss at the shop."

"What?"

"He hasn't been going to work."

"Well, what are you going to do?"

"I'm not sure, when I try to help him, he just pulls away. Maybe... no that's stupid."

"What?"

"Well before the trial, Dean reached out to Professor Novak because he didn't want to stress me out. So..."

"Maybe Dean will talk to him."

"Yeah, I think. I really think that will work. I'm going to-" he stood up, "shit I'm sorry, we're supposed to-"

"Sam, it's ok. Go now. This is important."

"God, I love you," he gave her a quick kiss, "thanks for understanding!" He yells as he runs out of the room. Eileen's apartment was right on the edge of campus so it was only a quick 5-minute walk to Castiel's office. He froze for a second in front of the office door, he wasn't really sure what he was going to say. Then he knocked.

"Come in," Castiel said from inside.

Sam opened the door, stepped inside, then closed it behind him.

"Hello, Sam, please sit down. Is everything ok?"

"I'm fine," Sam sat down, "actually, this is about Dean."

Cas straightened his back, "what's the matter?"

"Well, ever since the trial, he's been pretty depressed. I don't know, he's just lost interest in everything and I just found out he's stopped going to work."

"He what? Have you tried talking to him?"

"I've tried but he won't talk to me. Last time he went to you for help. So do you think you could, maybe, talk to him?"

"You think that will help?"

"You know what, I do, Professor."

Cas nodded, "Then I'll text him. See what I can do."

The stress dropped from Sam's shoulders, "thank you."

 _Cas pov_  
As soon as Sam left Cas took out his phone. He stared at the blinking blue line not sure what to say. He's interrupted as an alarm starts going off on his phone. 🚨 class 🚨 shows up on the screen. That's right, Cas has a class to teach in 20 minutes. If he got Dean to open up, then he'd have to leave him out to dry while he taught. He could never do that to Dean and he can't cancel his class. It hits him. He'd smiled to himself as he texts Dean.

_Can you come to my office in 20 minutes?_

_Is everything ok Cas?_

_Yes, no worries, I just want to talk._

_Um alright if it's not urgent, can it wait a bit? I'm working on a car right now._

_That's fine. How long do you think you'll be?_

_About an hour._

_Perfect. Text me when you get here!_ 😁  
  
  


 _Dean's pov_  
Dean put his phone down and stared at the beer in his hand. He sloshed the drink around for a moment then downed the rest like a shot. He was working on fixing up a motor on a 1970 Ford Mustang Boss 302. It wasn't his favorite looking car, but when the engine was fixed up right, man could she purr. He'd been putting off working on it, but now that he started it, he didn't want to leave it unfinished. He drank through another beer as he installed the fixed up motor. He texted Cas he was on his way and Cas responded with an emoji.

Soon, he was in front of Cas's office door. He knocks but there was no response. He texts Cas.

_I'm here, where are you?_

_I'm not in my office. Come to the lecture hall. From my office, it's down the hall take a left. Then it's the first door on your right. Room 108._

Dean read Cas's text and stared for a moment. It wasn't that strange of a request, but Cas was acting a little different. He walks down the hallway and turns. He finds the door easily. He isn't sure if he should knock or not, but he hears Cas talking inside. He decides to just walk in. He stops. The lecture hall was full. Cas was teaching a class right now.

"Wha-"

"Ah, just the man I was waiting for," Cas sends a huge smile in Dean's direction but he's talking towards the students.

Dean walks over next to Cas and talks quietly, "Cas what's going on?"

The students were whispering amongst themselves, some giggles that Dean ignored.

"Well, the class and I need your help."

"You need my help? With what?"

"This problem," Cas raises his arm up showing the whiteboard.

Dean notices the work on the board for the first time. It's a long differential equation.

"You're a math professor, I'm sure you can figure it out," Dean gave a little smirk. This comment earned him laughs from the students and a smile from Cas.

"Yes, that's not the problem. You see, for some reason. My students are confused and not understanding the way I'm teaching it. I was hoping you could give us a fresh perspective."

"Uhh, sure Cas." Dean actively looked at the board and started doing the problem in his head. Once he's sure of his approach, he starts lecturing.

_Um, I'm not a math genius so I don't actually know what Dean will say ahaha but basically, he's doing the problem out while writing out his work and saying what he's doing. He also uses a method that is like a short cut and makes the problem much simpler._

"So yeah, hope that makes sense," Dean turned to the class and smiled.

The class stared back at him. Some were feverishly writing this down. Others were simply sitting there, letting the information sink in. His eyes scanned the class and found a familiar face in the last row. Charlie was sleeping in the back corner, drooling on her notebook.

"Dude, who are you?" a young guy said from the front row.

"And where'd you learn to do that?" Another person said.

Dean chuckled, "Not to tell you that you wasted all your money, but I never went to college. I'm actually a mechanic."

"You're such a genius," a girl said. Then she and her friends giggled.

"Alright class," Cas sighed, giving a slight glare at the group of laughing girls, "I'm glad Dean was able to clear up any confusion. If you have any questions you're welcome to stay, the rest of you can leave a few minutes early."

The class all started talking as the students began packing up their computers and notebooks.

Dean smiled and shook his head when he saw Charlie jump up at all the sound. He was about to walk over to her when a group of girls stopped him.

The girl who called him a genius spoke for the group, "so Dean, where do you work?"

"Singer's auto. I also refurbish vintage cars for private clients."

"Wow, that's so cool."

"Yeah, you into cars?"

"My dad has a 1926 Bentley that he taught me to clean up."

"A London car, nice. Oh, would you excuse me?" He put his hand on her shoulder for a moment then walked around the group of girls. "Charlie!" he said throwing his arms out.

"Dean? What are you doing here?" she asked giving him a hug.

The girl flirting with Dean rolled her eyes as she and her friends left.

"Actual I was teaching the class, which you would know if you went sleeping."

"Dude," she punched his arm. She glanced at Castiel who, thankfully, was talking with a different student, "keep your voice down. Besides, I already know this stuff."

"Yeah? Even the shortcut I used?"

Charlie analyzed the board for a moment, "of course! Who would want to make the equation more difficult."

"No, yeah. That's good, good. You sure you're getting enough sleep though?"

"Of course I am, last night was an exception, don't worry. There was an online roleplay event last night so I stayed up later than normal. This class is boring anyway."

"Alright just don't make a habit out of it, you hear me?"

"Yeah, yeah. Thanks, dad."

"Take care of yourself, Charlie."

"Right back atcha," she smiled and left.

Soon, all the students left and it was just Dean and Cas.

"So is that really why you wanted me to come?" Dean asked.

Cas shuffled his feet, "well, yes. It's been a while since we talked and I wanted to make sure you were ok."

"I'm fine," Dean said, maybe a little too quickly.

Cas squinted his eyes until Dean looked down.

"Well, I would ask if you'd wanna grab some beers, but... maybe you wanna grab a bite to eat?"

Cas smiled, "I would like that."

Dean suggested a local burger joint, and Cas agreed. They both took Dean's car and made small talk along the way. At the diner, they sat down next to each other at a four-person table. Dean thought it was a little strange that Cas didn't sit across from him, but he didn't acknowledge it.

Dean talked about how he's always been into cars. Vintage ones especially. Cas told Dean about always wanting to help people and after getting a math degree, teaching was the most obvious option to him. This inevitably led to why Cas was fired from his last teaching position.

"You know Dean, I don't even like alcohol."

"You don't?"

"That's the crazy thing. I'm an alcoholic who doesn't like to drink."

"Then why you do it?"

"I suppose it's easier, at least seems easier," Cas sighed, "than dealing with the past."

Dean put his burger down as he and Cas locked eyes.

Cas continued, "easier than dealing with the memories. The feelings."

"Yeah I hear ya," Dean forced out a quick laugh.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"I really don't," Dean smiled thinly.

Cas leaned forward, "I know you don't think it helps-"

Dean took a sip of his water, "did Sam tell you to do this therapy crap?"

"You stopped going to work Dean! That's serious. Now talk to me."

Dean stared at Cas's face. Cas's sympathetic non-judgemental relatable face and gave in.

"At first, when I got stuck in the past, drugs and drinking were a release and now, I don't know," Dean looked away, "it's different."

"Different how?" Cas tilted his head.

"It's, I don't know, it's not about me anymore. I used to go back. Back to that night or the courtroom or what whatever event I don't wanna relive and all these emotions would come bubbling up and the only thing to stop it was... blocking out." Dean closed his eyes and shook his head.

When it was clear to Cas that Dean wasn't going to continue, he decided to share something of his own. Something personal that he didn't like to talk about, but felt comfortable sharing with Dean anyways.

"I come from a very big family Dean. My father was rich, and he slept around. He brought all his kids together to live in one house, even though some of us couldn't stand each other. Then one day he left. He abandoned us all. We were all different ages and only half-siblings so naturally, chaos erupted."

Dean opened his eyes and looked at Cas. He was staring at the table, lost in memories.

Cas continued, "things got so political. Actual fights broke out and everyone was told to pick a side. I hated seeing my siblings fight, so I ran away. I tried to find our father. I had such faith that if I could just get him to come back, we would all be together again," he looked up at Dean, "but he was rich and didn't want to be found. When I realized our father was never coming back, that's when I started drinking. I never enjoyed it, but it gave me a break from my thoughts. Gave me a break from my family. I got fired from my previous job because I got black out drunk and stumbled about the campus. And I remember thinking 'why'd I get so drunk' it wasn't like anything upsetting had happened. It wasn't like I loved the taste and couldn't get enough of it. It was just... what I was used to doing. And I got fired for it. So I stopped. It was hard at first. I just didn't know what to do. Things didn't seem like they were getting better. It wasn't like I was feeling better. When I started talking about it in AA, I realized, maybe I wasn't feeling _good_ but I had stopped feeling bad. It was a murky grey for a while, for a long time, but I stopped drinking. Slowly, things got good and it will for you too."

Cas looked up and saw Dean. Not the facade of happiness. Not even the protective older brother. But the broken man who struggles to believe. It was quiet for a moment. The background sounds of the diner far away.

When Dean spoke it was soft like he didn't want to have false hope, "how can you be so sure?"

"Because I've been there. Feeling empty. And I know you think it'll always be like this or you've forgotten what it's like not to feel empty."

Tears silently fell from Dean's face.

"Dean, your brother Sam and I will always be here for you. If only you let us in."

"San wants me to talk about it, but I don't know what to say. I don't know what's wrong."

"Dean, that's ok."

Dean whipped the tears from his face and shook his head.

Cas opened his mouth to speak, but Dean cleared his throat.

He stood up and took his wallet out. He threw some bills down on the table and spoke in his normal voice, "come on Cas, I'll drive you back to your car."

"Dean," Cas sighed as Dean stormed out of the diner. After a moment, Cas followed Dean and got into the already running car.

The ride back to the school parking lot was silent. The bad kind of silent. Dean's face was stone cold expressionless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know what you're gonna say, Dean and Cas just need t get together already.... but that's no fun >:)


	11. He's back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's no triggering topics in this chapter. I will update tags and add warnings when triggering topics come up.
> 
> Dean does talk a little but nothing worthy of a TW

Dean showed up to work the next morning.

"Where you've been, son?" Bobby asked.

Dean sighed, "Bobby I'm sorry I-"

"Zip it. If it were anyone else I would've fired them."

"You're... not gonna fire me?"

"Only if you're honest with me," he put his hands on Dean's shoulders, "You getting inta drugs again?"

Dean swallowed, "No, no Bobby. I was just.. working through some stuff after, you know, after the trial."

Bobby's face softened, "That's good son," he took his hands off Dean, "but you didn't answer my calls you didn't text me."

"Come on Bobby, you're starting to sound like all the girls from the bar."

"Yeah real funny. Don't let it happen again."

"I won't Bobby."

Bobby patted Dean on the shoulder and ushered him off to work. Dean went into the shop and started with a couple of basic oil changes. While he was doing things with his hands, he found it easier to think. He reflected on what Cas had said. About his family. About life. About things getting better. Dean couldn't say he really believed any of it, but he liked working on cars. He shouldn't have stopped going to work. Something about cars... there's just always a fix. Even though he's been a mechanic for his entire life. He never got tired of it.

He didn't realize it, but he started to sing to the Van Halen song blasting on the radio. Bobby watched Dean and smiled, he hadn't sung in a long time.

———

  
Sam had a later class that night so Dean made dinner. He decided to make what he knew was one of Sam's favorites, even if he didn't admit to it, spaghetti and meatballs.

Sam got home just as the meatballs were done. Sam stopped in the entrance of the kitchen. Dean looked at his brother and saw a little smile tug at the corner of Sam's lips.

"Is- is that meatballs? Did you make spaghetti and meatballs?"

Dean couldn't stop the small laugh, "yeah man, hope you're hungry."

Sam eagerly put his bag down and got two plates out of the cabinet. "Beer?" he asked Dean.

"Yeah," Dean answered mixing the red sauce into the spaghetti. Sam cracked the beers open and sat down as Dean dumped the food onto both of their plates.

"How was class?"

"Fine, just another lecture."

"Take notes?"

Sam rolled his eyes, "yes I did, but nothing was really more worthy."

"Nonsense. Hey wait is this the class you and Eileen share?"

"Yeah."

"So when you said you were heading out early, what you meant was you went to Eileen's place and," he raised his eyebrows.

"No Dean, stop! I mean yes I went to her apartment but it wasn't like that! We-" Sam looked down and mumbled, "we were playing Mario Kart."

Dean laughed, "Well did you win? What am I talking about I bet she kicked your ass."

Sam sighed, "yes but I bet she could kick your ass too."

"Pftt no way. I always beat you."

"Yeah, well no, ok most of the time, but in your words," he used air quotes, "even a half-asleep six-year-old could beat me."

"Yeah, because you suck!"

"Ok so beating me you're saying you have the same skill level as a half-asleep six-year-old."

"No I-" Dean furrowed his eyebrows, "I see you're learning something in lawyer school."

Sam laughed and it got quiet as they ate their dinner.

"Hey Sam?" Dean asked.

"Yeah?"

"Did you become a lawyer because of me? Because I lost the case?"

Sam looked up at his brother, a forkful of spaghetti in his shocked mouth. He chewed and swallowed. Then he spoke, "what do you mean?" Dean was calm, almost too calm for Sam's liking. Dean never, _never_ brought up the case.

"Did you. become a lawyer. because of me?"

"Well uh I-"

"No, no, Sammy," Dean put his hands out and waved them, "don't give me the answer you think I want to hear. Tell me the truth."

Sam looked at his brother's eyes. "At first, yeah. I thought it was crazy that your lawyer couldn't win you the case. I thought I could do better. Stop you from suffering like you did. But as I got older, and started actually studying law, I fell in love with it. So yeah, I started because of you, but I stayed because I liked it."

Dean nodded a couple of times, "huh." He swirled some spaghetti around his fork.

"Any reason that came up?" Sam said concern showing on his face.

Dean shrugged, "I just been thinking about how much Al-" he sighed, "how much he's affective my life. He's not even in jail. He's gone on living his life and I'm... I'm still not over it. And that's bull shit. I just want to move on, man."

"That's good, but Dean, you can't just ignore it. You can't magically make yourself better."

"...yeah..."

\-------

The next few days Dean tries to do better. To feel better. He shows up for work, even finishes fixing up a vintage car ahead of schedule. But it takes so much energy to do things. Much more energy than they should. Cas said it would be better in time. How much time? No really how much time? He'd kinda left Cas on a bad note, but Dean didn't like the way the conversation was going. He wasn't ready for that yet. Cas hasn't reached out to him yet either so he might be upset at him. Dean should apologize. He needed to apologize. He texts Cas.

_Hey Cas can we talk in person? I want to apologize._

_Of course we can talk, but I don't know what you're apologizing for._

Dean tried to respond to that for a moment, but then he just ignored it.

_When are you free?_

_My last class ends at 4 today._

_Can we meet at 4:30?_

_Sure, where?_

_You can come to my place_

_Need the address?_

_No, I remember. See you then!_

"Huh," Dean smiled for a second, "he remembered." He went back to fixing the car muffler.

Dean got home at 4. He debated whether he should be prepared to make Cas dinner. Sam was spending the night at Eileen's. Dean was just planning on having whatever leftover food scraps he could find in the fridge. He could never serve that to a guest. It would be fine. It was too early for dinner anyway. Cas wouldn't stay that long, would he? Dean really only wanted to apologize. That would be quick right? I mean, it could've been a call or text, but it felt more genuine in person. After everything Cas has done for him, it's what he deserved.

The doorbell rings. Dean grins and opens the door.

"Hiya, Cas."

Cas smiled back, "Hello, Dean."

"Come on in."

"Is Sam here?"

"Naw he's been at Eillen's place since lunch."

"They're dating, correct?"

Dean sits down on the couch, "Yeah."

"Good for them," Cas sits down in the armchair across from him.

"How was your class?"

"Good, they took a quiz. The worst part of teaching is grading though so not looking forward to that."

"Hah, yeah..." Dean took a rubber band off his wrist and started playing with it.

Cas noticed and stayed quiet. He knew Dean had something important he wanted to say and he wasn't going to rush him. Cas couldn't help the smile that crept on his face when he noticed that this rubber band was in fact the one Cas had given him on the day of the trial. Dean had kept it this whole time. 

Dean sighed, "Look Cas, I want to apologize."

"For what?"

"Last time we talked, I cut you off. You shared something personal and I just..."

"Dean, I forgive you. If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine."

"I- I want to forget about what happened. To just move on."

"Well, that's not possible. In order to move on, you need to deal with it."

Dean covered his face with his hands to hide his watering eyes. His voice was small, "you really think talking about it will help?"

"Yes. I do."

Dean nodded. _Just say it. Open your mouth say it. It's just Cas._

"I- A-" he looked down, "I can't. I want to but I can't. There's just so much I-"

"That's ok. You have a huge weight on your shoulder. Why don't you try something small."

"Well you head in the courtroom that um yeah you heard that and after well," Dean coughed, "my dad was pissed. He'd hired a lawyer but... and he yelled. Said I wasted money said I made it up- and I-" Tears were falling down Dean's face.

Cas stood up and sat next to Dean on the couch. Dean was breathing heavy and trying to hold back his sobs.

"Cas I don't want to- I don't want to talk about it- I've never talked about it- not even with Sam."

"Dean, don't force yourself to talk. It's ok if you're not ready. Just know that carrying this alone is going to be hard."

"Will you- will you stay with me?"

"Of course Dean." Cas gently placed his hand on Dean's shoulder.

They stayed like that for a while. When Dean spoke it was so soft that Cas almost missed it.

"Would you call me your friend?"

"Yes. Because I am your friend right?"

"Heh yeah of course Cas. God this sounds so sappy. I just-" he got quiet again, "I feel like we only talk when I'm messed up..."

Cas thought for a moment, "Then let's change that."

"What?" Dean looked at Cas.

Cas stood up and offered out his hand, "let's do something fun."

Dean took his hand and stood up, "like what? I don't want to make you go to a bar."

"There's other ways to have fun than drinking Dean," Cas smiled wide, "I want to show you something."

"Well ok then," Dean couldn't help but smile back at Cas. They let go of each other's hand and went to Cas's car.

"Aux up," Cas started the car, "one of my students taught me that phrase."

"You sure? You like my music?"

"You're not the only one to like classic rock Dean. Although I do prefer Def Leopard over Led Zeppelin." Cas pulls the car out.

"Well, I'll compromise."

"Oh I should warn you, Dean, it is a bit of a drive."

"That's ok, you're not gonna tell me where we're going though?"

"I want it to be a surprise," Cas smiled.

The next song to play is _It's My Life_ by Bon Jovi. Cas steals a glance over at Dean, who is now humming along to the song. When the chorus begins, Cas starts singing softly. Dean looked at Cas making him blush, but he didn't stop singing. Dean joined in and they got louder and more into it.

They both sang "It's my liiiiiiife! It's now or never! Cause I ain't gonna live forever! I just want to live while I'm alive... My heart is like an open highway! Like Frankie said, 'I did it my way!' I just want to live while I'm alive! 'Cause it's! My! Life!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first person to comment how many times I wrote spaghetti and meatballs will get written into the next chapter. (I didn't actually say it that much, but while I was writing it, it felt like a lot lol)


	12. Club Club

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are no triggering topics in this chapter. I will add tags and put trigger warnings when triggering topics come up.
> 
> uh so forget what I said last chapter about it being 4:30. Pretend it's after dinner pls and thanks.

_Dean's pov_

They sang all the way to their destination.

Dean peered at the glowing sign in front of them, "Cas is this a club? I thought-"

"You thought I couldn't go out and have fun because I'm sober."

"Yeah..."

"Well, this club is special. There's no alcohol or drugs allowed. It's pure music and dancing."

"What? No way."

"It's true, an old friend of mine runs this place. Is actually very popular with addicts."

"There's really no drinking at this club?"

"Yeah, everyone is pretty good at sticking to the rules. The group mentality is to keep everyone sober."

"Ok..."

Cas parked the car, "You ready?"

"Why not? Let's go for it."

Cas smiled, "great."

They showed their IDs to the bouncer, which Dean was confused about. Cas said that even though there were no drinks, it was still a club, so only people 21+ allowed. When they stepped inside, Dean stood still. He could not believe what he was seeing. There was a ton of people there and they were all having fun. Almost everyone was on the dance floor. Although there were a few that were off to the side at tables.

Dean lightly hits Cas's arm, "Is that a bar?"

"Technically no, there's no alcohol. They do serve mocktinis but they also serve a bunch of other drinks. Soda, water, you name it."

They walked up to the bar and both got a sprite. Then someone tapped Cas on the shoulder. When Dean saw Cas turn, he turned around too.

"Hey, Meg! How are you?" Cas smiled.

"I'm good Clarence. Business is good," her eyes shifted over to Dean, "Hello Dean."

Dean clenched his teeth. Confusion sprung on Cas's face as he looked back and forth between them.

"Look Dean, before anything happens, you're totally allowed to whatever feelings you have. I know you probably won't believe me, but I do mean this. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're sober." She turned to Cas, "see you around." With that, Meg walked away.

"I'm sorry Dean, I didn't realize you knew each other. She owns this bar."

"It's fine Cas. It's- well I don't hate her- it's complicated. I assume you know she was a druggie too right?" Cas nodded and Dean continued, "well she was one of Crowley's, we've crossed paths a couple of times."

"Do you want to leave?"

Dean looked Cas in the eyes and saw genuine concern. He willed his body to relax, "no we just got here. Let's go dance!"

Dean grabbed Cas's hand and pulled him on the dance floor. The DJ was playing mostly EDM. Surprisingly, Dean enjoyed it. He jumped up and down beside Cas.

It was strange. Not being drunk at a club. He was a lot more conscious of what he and what everyone else was doing. Things were good though. He wasn't having any anxiety about other people judging him. Maybe because he was with Cas. He didn't know why he felt so free around Cas. Maybe it was because he'd already cried in front of him so many times. Including today. He didn't hold back. He let loose. He had fun. Cas was sort of an awkward dancer, but no one cared. Nobody here was judging. Well almost.

He soon noticed some brunette glaring at him. He pointed her out to Cas, "recognize that chick glaring?"

Cas rolled his eyes, "unfortunately yes."

"Ok spill, who is she?"

"Her name's Hannah. It's awkward. She thought we were dating."

"What?! How does that happen?" Dean chuckled.

"We worked together and I guess we did get close. I thought we were just friends but she thought we were dating and just taking things slow."

"Well, how'd you break up with her?"

Cas faked a glare at Dean, "it wasn't a breakup, we never dated. But one day she leaned in to kiss me and I pulled back. She told me we were dating and I told her I was gay."

Dean laughed hard at that.

_Cas's pov_  
He's laughing. That's good. Cas really didn't think Dean would be homophobic, but you can never be sure. Dean's laugh was genuine and lighthearted. Cas smiled and Dean's laugh. He was glad he could get Dean to smile after he cried earlier.

"So then what she do?" Dean asked.

"She was... very awkward," Cas looked down.

"I'll say! I mean it's hard enough falling for someone that doesn't swing you're way but man, thinking you were dating? Wow!"

"Yeah, now she won't talk to me and she glares at me a lot."

"Ha ha, well we've been dancing for a while wanna get something to drink?"

"Sure."

They head over to the bar. Cas ordered a water and Dean ordered another sprite. "So how long have you been coming here?" Dean asked.

"I've known about this place for a while, but I don't come here regularly."

"It's a nice place," Dean smiled, "thanks for bringing me here."

"Of course, now you can say we've had fun together."

Dean laughed and turned to grab his drink from the bartop. 

Someone held Dean's shoulder and stopped him from turning back around.

"Here I was thinking I was the hottest guy in here," the man smiled, "then I saw you." He winked.

Dean scratched the back of his neck, "Hey, well thanks man, but uh, I'm actually here with someone tonight."

"Oh," the man looked over Dean's shoulder and saw Cas glaring at him, "oh, sorry guys I didn't mean to get between you."

Dean's eye widened, "wait no- I didn't mean. I mean we're here together, but we're not together. I just- sorry. Not interested."

The man looked between Dean and a still furiously glaring Cas and nodded, "sure, ok." The man walked away and Dean rubbed his face with his hands. He turned back to Cas with his eyes glued to the ground. Cas opened his mouth to say something.

Dean coughed, "I need to use the bathroom. Watch my drink." With that Dean made a b-line to the men's room.

_Dean's POV_

Dean went to the sink furthest from the door. He splashed water on his face. He clenched his teeth and put water on his face again. He was pissed at himself. The night was going so well. He was actually enjoying himself and his time with Cas. He just spoke without thinking. It was unfair to Cas. He never thought of him like that. Had he? He leaned against the sink. His thoughts were moving too fast. He was having fun, but now he had to process something. Did he like Cas? Or did he just trust Cas because he's broken down in front of him? This was hard. If he did feel something for Cas, he didn't want to ruin their friendship over it. He should try and forget about it for the night. He reached for the flask in his pocket and hesitated. This place was sober, he probably shouldn't drink. Yeah, it wasn't his usual gig, but he was having fun. _Exactly. You_ were _having fun. As in past tense. Not having fun anymore_. If he was tipsy, then he wouldn't have to think about his feelings. He could just go out there and have fun with Cas. It was decided.

He took a swing and it went down hard. He'd forgotten he put the extra strong stuff in. 

"Hey, buddy, you good?" some random guy said.

"I'm fine," Dean said immediately. 

"If you were fine, you wouldn't be stealing drinks in the bathroom of a sober club."

Dean sighed, "I'm not an alcoholic, ok? I used to do drugs. Me and alcohol are fine."

The man just stared at him.

Dean rolled his eyes and took another long sip.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Dean and I don't need some shrink. I'm fine." With that Dean pocketed the flask and left the bathroom. He shook his shoulders and looked around for Cas. He was over in a quieter corner talking to two guys. When Cas spots Dean, he waves him over. 

"Dean, this is my old friend Ceaser, and his husband, Jesse," Cas motioned to both of them separately.

Dean shook their hands, "nice to meet you."

"Likewise," Ceaser smiled, "Castiel tells us you fix up vintage cars?"

"Yeah, yeah. You into cars?"

"He's obsessed with his DeLorean," Jesse sighs.

Ceaser elbows his husband, "it's a 1981 DeLorean DMC-12 and it's my pride a joy."

"I hear ya. That's a good car. I've got a '67 Chevy Impala."

Cas's pov  
Ceaser and Dean start talking about different motors and Cas can't follow. He looks over Dean's shoulder and sees a familiar face. It's Ao3 user RavenWingSeraph. She waves for him to come over so he excuses himself from the group.

"Hey Raven, everything ok?" he gives her a hug, "You seem worried."

"I'm fine Castiel. Is that new guy Dean here with you?" she asks.

Heat rises in Cas's face as he remembers Dean's panic mere minutes before this. "Uh, I brought him here, yes."

"Well, a friend of mine saw him drinking in the bathroom. He said he could smell it from far away. That's how strong the alc was."

Cas's face darkens, "oh."

"Just thought you should know."

"Yeah, thanks, Raven."

She gives him a small smile, "of course. Take care of yourself."

He smiled back, "you too."

He thought about confronting Dean as he made his way back to the three guys. Dean's head flies back in laughter as Jesse tells a joke. No, he wouldn't bring it up. Not in public anyway. Surprisingly, the conversation is no longer about cars. Dean is getting along great with Jesse and Ceaser. They talk for a while longer, then they all head to the dancefloor. The music is blasting but it's awesome. Jesse and Ceaser pair up and dance against each other for a couple songs, but thankfully things don't seem awkward between him and Dean. Cas can't remember the last time he'd had this much fun. He was living in the music and letting loose. Dean was too, which made Cas smile. Cas dances with his eyes closed, but when he opens them, Dean is staring at him.

They dance well into the am. Cas is still having fun and Dean is too, but Cas is a professor, he needed sleep.

He drives Dean back to his house. Cas parks the car and gets out with Dean. It seems cliche, but he walks Dean to his door.

"Thanks, Cas," Dean shuffled his feet, "it's uh, been a while since I've gone out like that."

"Me too. Glad we have a happy memory together now."

"Heh, yeah. Seriously, though, I had a lot of fun tonight."

Cas spoke without thinking, "Is that why you felt the need to drink?"

Dean's face tightens, "what?"

"I know you went to the bathroom to drink."

Dean looks down.

"Was it something I did?"

"No! No, it wasn't you, Cas I-" Dean looked up.

Cas tilted his head as he and Dean locked eyes.

Dean looked away and scratched the back of his neck, "I guess I was just embarrassed and my thoughts started running and I- I know that drinking slows it down and-"

"Why were you embarrassed?" 

"Well when that guy hit on me," Dean's cheeks got red, "then I said we were together..."

It was an innocent mistake, he'd simply misspoken. He didn't know why Dean would be embarrassed to the point of drinking. Unless...

Cas's face dropped, "Was it because we're both guys?"

"Cas! God no, I-" he sighed, "Cas, look at me."

Cas met Dean's eyes. He saw fear behind them, not disgust.

"There's not many people that I trust enough to talk to about my problems, like at all. So when I started opening up to you... I just felt such a strong connection and I'm not very good with feelings and I wanted to make sure I liked you as a person and not just someone I could dump my shit on and I was having fun but when I said that," he scoffed, "it brought up questions that I couldn't answer yet and-"

"Wait, you like me as in you think I'm good-looking?"

_Dean's pov_  
Dean's eyes widen as he realized, he did in fact say that. "Shit, sorry Cas, I didn't mean to ruin our friendship." fuck fuck fuck fuck why did he say that god he looked so pathetic right now. He bit his lip hard. What would Cas say? Probably nothing good. Yell at him because he was only helping Dean with his problems out of pity and now he would have to deal with this too. He would lose his only friend and then he'd-

Cas kissed him. Dean stepped back in surprise. 

"I'm sorry Dean, was that not-"

"Wait Cas," he smiled, "you like me back?"

Cas blushed, "yes and the way you were biting your lip I just assumed-"

Dean cuts him off with another kiss. His hands find their way to the back of Cas's neck. He feels Cas's hands move up and down his back. He eagerly pulls Cas closer and runs his hand through Cas's hair. 

They stop kissing but stay close. They rest their foreheads against each other, eyes closed. They take in what just happened and what it means.

Cas cups Dean's face in his hands, "As much as it pains me to say, I really must be going."

"Cas?" Dean finally opens his eyes.

"Yes, Dean?" Cas stares into those beautiful green eyes.

"Do you want to date?" it sounds so childish but he is too giddy to care.

Cas smiles and pulls away, "I would love that Dean."

A huge smile spreads across Dean's face. This is better than any high. He's speechless.

Cas chuckles then gives Dean a quick peck on the cheek. "Let's talk more tomorrow, ok?" 

Dean just nodded.

Cas walked backwards to his car, "Goodnight Dean." 

"Night, Cas." Dean watches Cas drive away. He stayed on the porch even after he could no longer see Cas's car. He relished in the moment then finally went inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're welcome ;)
> 
> Love to hear what you think! :D


	13. Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: physical and mental child abuse  
> tw: mentions/implications of rape  
> tw: homophobia (no slurs)  
> nothing explicit
> 
> This shows more of Dean's backstory but is totally skippable if you don't feel comfortable

_He likes me back he kissed me he likes me back he kissed me we kissed he kissed me he had his lips against mine we kissed he wants to date me we kissed we kissed we kissed_

Dean lied in bed staring at the ceiling. He couldn't stop smiling. He couldn't remember the last time he liked someone as much as he liked Cas. He didn't even realize it. Not really. Not until after he accidentally said that they were together. Then it all clicked. Why he trusted Cas so much. Why he just wanted to be around him. The second half of that night was when he finally started to see Cas as more than a friend. Watching him dance freely was so cute. God, he was so lucky that someone as amazing as Cas liked him back. Even after seeing Dean at his very lowest. Cas knew a lot about Dean's past, and he still kissed him back. He thought only of Cas as he slowly faded into unconsciousness.

~

"Sammy go to your room. Now!" his voice was quiet but urgent. Their father wasn't even upstairs yet and Dean could smell the alcohol. Their father was yelling.

"Sam, go!" Dean pushed his brother who thankfully did as he was told.

"DEAN! GET IN HERE!"

Dean walked into the living room, "Yes, dad?"

"WHERE'S YOUR PAYCHECK"

"W-what?"

His dad glared at him. "I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN WORKING IN THAT BLACK MAN'S GARAGE NOW HAND IT OVER."

"I-uh. It's gone..."

"WHAT!"

Dean took a step back, "I spent it already."

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SPEND IT ON!"

"Well I uh."

"SPIT IT OUT BOY"

"School supplies."

"SCHOOL SUPPLIES! YOU DUMBASS WE NEED THAT FOR FOOD>"

A spark of defiance lit in Dean, "That's what your paycheck is for!"

"YOU LIVE UNDER MY ROOF YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARD I PAY THE RENT."

"Well it's my money and I get to decide what I spend it on!"

He goes to punch Dean, but he's drunk so he's slow. Dean ducks and backs away.

"YOU'RE SELFISH YOU WANT YOUR FAMILY TO STARVE."

"Dad we won't starve. We'll be fine."

"DON'T TALK BACK TO ME!" He grabs Dean by the shirt.

"Dad, stop! It's my fault," Sam stood in the doorway.

"Sammy, no!" Dean pleaded for Sam to back off.

He didn't listen, "Dean bought me new books for school"

John glared at Sam and loosened his grip on Dean. He was gonna go after Sam. No, he couldn't let that happen. His father wasn't looking, Dean punched him across the jaw. John grunted and stumbled backward.

"Sam. Room. Now!" Dean said keeping his eyes on his father.

"SON OF A BITCH!" John throws a punch that Dean manages to sidestep. But his father is ready this time. He grabs a hold of Dean's shoulder. Dean yelped in pain.

"I'LL TEACH YOU NOT TO DISRESPECT ME."

His dad punched him until he was satisfied. Then he passed out in a lounge chair.

~

He was in the kitchen making lunch. Talking to Sam about his day. His father was passed out on the couch.

"I was with Lisa and we sitting on the bench outside school. She's telling me about how she needs this new leather jacket that just hit the store. Then a guy wearing that exact jacket walks right in front of us."

Sam laughs.

"You should've seen the look on her face, Sammy. And the guy wearing that jacket? He knew we were talking about him. When he walked by he tried to look cool and hot by-"

"WHAT WAS THAT?"

Dean hadn't noticed that John woke up.

"Uh, I was telling Sam about this jacket I saw a guy wearing."

"DID _YOU_ THINK HE WAS HOT?"

"Wha-"

"BECAUSE I KNOW I RAISED YOU BETTER THAN THAT DEAN WINCHESTER."

"Dad-"

"ANSWER THE QUESTION BOY."

"No! Lisa is my girlfriend! I have a girlfriend!"

"ATTA BOY DON'T LET THIS JACKET GUY STEAL YOUR GIRL ALRIGHT."

"Yeah, 'course not..."

~

Sam and Dean arrive home from school. They throw down their backpacks then stop. Their dad is home. Completely sober. He's supposed to be at work.

He spoke more calmly than Dean's heard in years, "Sam go to your room. Dean sit down."

They did as they were told. Both were scared. It was strange seeing their dad so calm. It was because they've never really seen him this sober.

John takes a sip of his coffee before speaking, "I got a call from your school today."

Dean didn't know what to say.

"Apparently someone noticed that you had bruises."

Pins and needles stabbed Dean in the back.

"They called to tell me that although they never saw you roughhousing in school, you're probably getting into a lot of fights outside of school. I told them you had beef with some private school kid that lives up the street. That you two fight a lot. Just normal conflicts people your age have."

He willed himself to control his breathing.

His father leaned in closer to Dean, staring him right in the eyes, "I just want to make sure we're all on the same page. I want us to stay a family. You wouldn't want them to take poor little Sammy away, would you?"

Dean shook his head.

"Good. I'm glad you understand." He down the rest of his coffee then left. No doubt to go make up for the hour of sobriety he just had.

~

He shut the door behind him. It sounded so loud.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?"

Dean was shaking, "I- uh I- some guy-"

"SPEAK SON WHAT"

"He- he attacked me." Dean wanted to cry, but he could never in front of his father. 

"YOU WERE MUGGED?"

Dean forced a shaking hand to his face, "and- and more."

His dad was quiet for a moment. Still processing.

"HE FUCKED YOU? YOU LET HIM FUCK YOU?"

Dean flinched. His legs were struggling to keep him standing. "I-I didn't want him to. I- I tried," Dean showed his dad the bruises on his arms, "Alistair attacked me."

His dad's disgust turned into something else.

"YOU SAW THE FUCKER? YOU KNOW HIS NAME?"

"Y-yes." Dean didn't know the exact emotion behind his Dad's gaze, but it was scarily similar to greed. John fought the urge to smile.

"WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED WE CAN SUE THAT SON OF A BITCH"

"I- I don't-" John put his hand on Dean's shoulder.

"WE'LL MAKE IT RIGHT SON."

John took his phone out.

"Dad I-"

"WE NEED EVIDENCE. UNDRESS. LET ME TAKE PHOTOS."

Dean's eye widened.  
~  
Alistair held Dean's trembling chin in his hands.

He got real close to Dean's face and smiled, "You know what I love about America, Dean? The corrupt justice system. Because no matter what you do, no one will believe you."

Dean did his best to glare, but his trembling lips ruined the effect.

"Whether you tell people or not, it won't make any difference. I will always be free. I will always have control over you because you are mine. You're mine now, and you'll be mine later. My fuckable little whore."

whore

slut

liar

bitch

attention seeker

whore

liar 

slut

whore

liar

slut

whore

liar

whore

slut

no one will believe you

no matter what you do

you'll always be mine 

I'll always be free

you will always be mine

~

Dean sprung up in his bed. He wanted to scream but he couldn't breathe. He shook back and forth on his bed. He tried to calm down. He grabbed wildly at his blankets. He didn't have the strength to sit up. He rolled to his sides and let his elbows prop him up. His whole body was tense. His hands in fists, his nails drawing blood from his skin. His eyes clenched shut. His head resting on the bed. His legs were tingling and so were his lips. He tried to purse them to make breathing easier, but he couldn't. He trembled on his bed in the darkness. He realized he was crying. There was ringing in his ears so he couldn't hear, but he could assume he was sobbing. He got his right hand to relax enough to move it to his mouth. He held his lips out to try and steady his breathing. He exhaled forcefully a couple of times. Then he tried to breathe in and out for the same amount of time. He counted the seconds. Then he counted his breaths. He relaxed his shoulders and lied down on his back normally. He focused on his breathing for the next couple of minutes. Thank god he didn't wake Sam. Wait, Sam was at Eileen's. Even better.

He felt calm again, but he was wide awake. He looked at the clock. 6:30 AM. God he barely slept. But he wasn't going back to bed. He was biting his nail. He couldn't just sit around for another three hours. He needed to move. There wasn't anything to do. That didn't matter. He threw on some jeans and his leather jacket and just started walking. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YALL THOUGHT
> 
> I couldn't just give you a confession scene and have it all be sunshine and rainbows
> 
> I will accept all your complaining in the comments ;)


	14. Talk to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are no triggering topics in this chapter

Dean thought about his nightmares. God, he wished he could just wake up on command. Houses and people fly by. He tries to forget. Remind himself that that was the past. It wasn't real. _Well, it was real_. But it's not happening now and it won't happen again. _It almost happened again_. Dean walked faster. It's colder than he thought it would be. Probably because it was so early. He flipped his collar up and shoved his hands in his pockets. He shuddered as Alistair's face flashes in front of him again. His dad started screaming in his head. STOP BITCHIN ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS BOY. His throat felt tight. Alistair's cheek laughter, "Dean, Dean, Dean. I told you you'd always be mine." 

He clenched his fists. _Shut up_ , he thought. Alistair grabbed him by the chin. "Don't talk to me like that boy. I'm not even here." He rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath. He had stopped walking and he didn't realize it. He started up again, this time keeping his shoulders back and his head up. He turned onto a path that led to a trail around a lake. He forces himself to really look at his surroundings. To take in nature. He listens to the crunch of the leaves beneath his feet. He watches the squirrels chase each other. He chuckles as he sees two young kids smoking a joint. Then he frowns. Maybe he should stop them. Who's he kidding. Teenagers would never listen, especially to some stranger. He certainly didn't listen to anyone's advice. Although he wished he would have. He wondered how different his life would be if he'd never gotten high. Never got addicted. Never ODed in Crowley's club.

_Dean!_

Someone put their hand on Dean's shoulder. "Dean!" they called again.

Dean turned and saw his brother, "Sam?"

"Dude I was calling your name but you didn't hear me," he laughed and took his earbuds out.

"Sorry I was uh, lost in thought."

Concern clouded Sam's face, "what's wrong? Why are you up this early?"

Dean scoffed. "Why are you up this early?"

Sam gave Dean a face and Dean sighed.

"I had a bad dream and couldn't fall back asleep. I'm fine. Now why are you awake and- what are you wearing?"

Sam rolled his eyes, "I went for a run, Dean. These are what normal people call workout clothes."

"You chose to be up this early?"

"Yes I-"

"You made the conscious decision to set your alarm and then go for a run, this early."

Sam deadpanned, "Yes, Dean. I enjoy running."

"God I can't believe you're a college student."

Sam laughs but gets serious again, "you sure you're alright?"

"I'm fine now. Just bad dreams," he couldn't stop the smile on his face when he thought about Cas, "I really am good though."

Sam couldn't help but smile back at his brother. Something had happened last night to make him this happy. Dean was never this happy in the morning.

"Alright, well I'm going to finish my run and shower at Eileen's then I'll head back to our house."

"You sure you don't want to stay with Eileen?" Dean said thinking about how he was going to meet up with Cas at some point.

"Yeah, she had to take an early class because she switched majors," Sam tilted his head, "Is there someone in the house that I should know about?"

"No. Sammy," Dean couldn't help himself, he smiled again, "I just have plans today."

"Oh, you do?" Sam raised his eyebrows, "pray tell."

Dean pushed Sam gently, "stop it, man. I don't- I don't really know what exactly is going on between us, okay? I'll tell you about it later."

Sam's smiling like a little kid on Christmas, "ok. You better."

Dean rolled his eyes but he was still smiling, "I will, now go! Run!"

Sam chuckled as he ran off.

 _You kissed Cas_ , Dean reminds himself.

He looked around and got his barrings. He was feeling better but was tired. He was ready to go back home. _He was dating Cas. Cas was his boyfriend_. Dean bit his lip. _At least he hoped Cas would be and Cas didn't change his mind._

He turned around and started walking back the way he came. When he got home, he noticed a motorcycle parked in front of his car. That was definitely weird because no one on their street owned a motorcycle. He heard a noise come from inside and narrowed his eyes. His lower back started tingling as adrenaline began coursing through his veins. He pulled out his pocket knife and slowly approached the door. He'd been in such a hurry to get out of the house this morning that he didn't lock it. 

He twisted the knob slowly, careful not to make a sound. He peered in but saw no one. He quietly scampered inside. He pressed his back against the wall and steadied his beating heart. He heard a cough from the kitchen. He peeked around the wall into the living room but saw no one. He carefully made his way through the living room and had his back against the wall that leads to the kitchen. He took one last quiet breath, then went through the doorframe knife ready. The man in their hastily stood and reached for his own knife in his back pocket. Dean pulled back then froze.

"Benny?"

_Cas POV_  
Cas's alarm went off and he felt only rage. If it wasn't his phone making the noise, he would've smashed it. He hit snooze and went back to sleep. He was dreaming about Dean. Not in a creepy or overly sexual way. He was just thinking about how soft Dean's lips were. How warm he felt when they kissed. He thought about holding hands walking down the street. Cuddling up for a movie. Teaching lessons together. The way Dean tilted his head back when he laughed. The crinkles in his face when he smiled. BEEP BEEP BEEP 

_Jesus, it's been 9 minutes already?_ He hit snooze again. He couldn't believe Dean liked him back. He and Dean were so different. Dean was a strong, hands-on, confident kind of guy, and Castiel was, well himself. Shy, nerdy, really into bees. Well, Dean didn't know about his obsession yet. He wouldn't leave Cas just because of that. Cas has put up with Dean's car obsession so he better not. The more he thinks about it, he and Dean are alike. Sure on the outside Dean's all protect Sam, joke, cars, but on the inside, the side he barely lets anyone see, the side he let Cas see, he's kind, gentle, and loving. He only hopes Dean would care for him as much as he cares for Sam. More importantly, let Cas care for him as much as Dean cares for Sam. BEEP BEEP BEEP

 _Jesus Christ!_ Cas finally sits up in bed and stretches. He wanted to keep lying in bed. Basking in the half-conscious state between sleeping and think of Dean. But he couldn't. He was still a professor and he had tests to grade. He made himself a bowl of cereal and sat down on his back porch. It was nice out, though the wind made it a tad chilly. He watched the bees, already busy at work. He checks his phone but there are no messages from Dean. They were supposed to talk today. _Relax Castiel, Dean is not a morning person._ He would text when he was ready. Or at least awake enough to think.

Cas couldn't help but smile to himself. He had kissed Dean last night. Right after Dean confessed first. Even if it was on accident, which was kinda funny and a very Dean thing to do. Although something was nagging at him. Last night Dean had said he needed time to figure out if he actually likes him, or just became so attached after telling Cas all his secrets. God, he hoped it was the first one. Maybe he should text Dean now. It wasn't too early. Besides he was fine with Dean responding an hour or two later when he woke up.

He stares at the blue line. He isn't sure what to say. He types then deletes. Type then delete. Type then delete. The blue line blinks back at him mockingly. Finally, Cas decides on what to send.

_Hello Dean. Last night was amazing, I would love to talk to you sometime today. When are you free?_

Cas put his phone down. Not expecting a response, but his phone buzzes right away. It's Dean:

_Sorry I can't_

_What? What do you mean?_

_It's an emergency I'm sorry I can't meet up today_

_Is everything ok? Are you? Sam?_

_Yes_ _it's something else_

_What is it?_

_Sorry I can't text_

_I'll come over_

_No  
S_ _orry no thanks  
It's personal and I don't have time to explain   
Also don't have time to tell you how sorry I am  
But I am really sorry_

 _It's alright Dean  
_ _Please update me when you can_

Cas sighed and put his phone down. It was hard not to be disappointed, but it really did sound like an emergency. He went about his day, grading quizzes, and receiving no news from Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry short chapter and cliffhanger but this was the best cut off point
> 
> and yes this chapter's title is misleading but I didn't know what to call it and I didn't want a spoiler
> 
> Winter_Wolf101 I know you specifically requested against it, but there's gonna be some rough misunderstandings coming up :)


End file.
